seven different pains

Last night, I went to a gig! It was Elmeno P, Foamy ed and The Tali-band. That last one made me laugh, and since it cost only ten dollars, me thoughts said, 'URRGRAH WHY JSHN NOT?' because I was drunk.

But I liked Foamy Ed. I thought it was great. All girl punk band? I likes the punk, but usually all-girl groups, or 'vagina bands' as I like to call them, get on my nerves. Becuase, to get a group of decient musicians together you usually have to be pretty indiscriminant of sex, and so to have four or five girls on stage means that it is proably more of a gimmick aimed at either a) appealing to men b) appealing to women who like that 'girl power' crap or c) both. Going for a gimmick like that usually means that the music will be of a worse quality than it usually would be.

But Foamy Ed were good. DISTORTION! It was great to hear a band play some old school punk styles without crying about their dead freind. Emo is Punk's malformed and booze retraded offspring. The music was just about drinking beer and doing not much. Even the Tali-band were alll right. But then came Elemno P. And I left.
Because, since they are such massive stars and what not, they had to bring on their own drum kit.
Screw waiting around for that. The crowd was pretty pumped after the Foamy ed set, and then they played 'Enter sandman' through the PA. Good choice. People singing along. Then 'Boheminan Rhapsody'. Then "Smells like teen spirit.' Then some shit by scribble.
And the drums still wern't set up.

So I went home. I have sleeping to do, and the waiting around had killed my booze buzz. Today I woke up after a good nights sleep, for a change, and am in seven types of agony, my body not being used to the rigors of drunken moshing.

CRC COUNTDOWN!
$150.
FUCK! almost out of money. But today I am going to get a job. At the uni, no less, which means I don't have to go anywhere. And my mum put $50 into my account today.
But still. The end is near.

Crapulence

Yup, it's a real word. Meaning: To feel like crap, usually because of the ingestion of substances.
Well, pretty much. I am not a walking dictionary. Obviously. Go look it up for yourself.
But I feel like crap. But not because of me drinking habit. No, not at all. I feel like crap because the sleep is not happening for me.
Usually I will go home and fall asleap between the hours of 8 and 10, then wake up between the hours of 8 an 10, feeling fresh as a fresh thing and smelling like fresh fish, to have a shower, eat some yoghurt and face a new day full on with all my might. Or with at least as much might as i can be bothered fulling.
But for the last few days, my sleep has been like this.
Get to sleep between hours of 8 and 10.
Wake up at about 12.
Stay awake, unable to sleep because of involuntary twitching, untill 5am.
Wake up again at 8, when my flatmate gets up.
FEEL LIKE POOS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
I don't like feeling poos. Do you like feeling poos? I do not.
So I am going to the doctors today to see if I can go on the sleeping pills.

Now, If you haven't been on the sleeping pills before, then I shall tell you a bit about them now. They are a very interesting thing.
You take a tablet, bout half the size of a panadol, about half an hour before you want to sleep. Then, no matter what you are doing, BAM! Comatown, and you are mayor. Somone could shoot you in the face and you still wouldn't wake up. About nine hours later, when you do wake, it dosen't seem like you have slept. You cannot remember your dreams, but nine hours of your life has dissapeared. You don't feel particularly rested, but neither do you feel like crap.
And so, your days meld into one long adventure where you don't see any night. After a while, you don't know what time of day it is, let alone what day of the week.

Looking forward to it. (Sarcasm).

CRC COUNTDOWN:
$257

university revolutions

No, I don't mean revolutions in the form of VIVA LOS WHATEVER, I mean, that it is all begining again. All the lectures, all the homework, all the readings, all the tutorials, all the people, all the poos. so much poos. I must train my bladder again to contain itself for hours at a time. This might seem easy for most of you, but I have the bladder the size of a walnut. A small walnut.
But enough about my oblutions. Me classes themselves seem like a good time, although they all do for the first week or two, just untill the period in which you can withdraw from class ends. Then the university, which is run by the dark lord satan, exchanges your fun and interesting lecturor who prepares for easch lecture with interesting and helpful powerpoints with an elderly man who seaks like he is prophesising doomsday through a long metal tube and you can only really hear him when his suddenly says : 'You, the boy in the black tee-shirt who smells like poo and cigaretts! What is your opinion on [insert term you have never heard of before]?'
Well, English is still better than Law, where if you sit in the wrong seat, they shoot you.

VIVA LOS UNIVERSITY!

CRC COUNTDOWN!
$320. But I am off to eastdie now. BWAHAHA!

This txt is for your love!

Saturday was an interesting night. As you know, avid readers of my blog, I was planning on going to a dress up party. For those of you who could not guess, I went as a pediophile. My costume was theirfore a trench coat, a hole-filled tee-shirt and a large head of a stuffed bear, which I used as a hat. Pockets filled with candy, myself and my two freinds went off to the party, each with a bottle of wine in us.

Warning: Do not leave alcohol around me. Ever. But especially when I am durnk. So don't leave alcohol around me ever.

At the party I consumed another bottle of red wine. My lips were, and still are, rather stained. You think wine stains are hard to get out of the carpet? You cannot put bleach in you mouth. Well, you can, but you die.
Anyway, I then entertained a few people with my briliant wit and stole a couple of bottles of beer, then played limbo and stole half a bottle of vodka. Then I went outside and got into a fight.
I now have a slightly brusied eye, a couple of scrapes and a bad knee, but as they say, you should have seen the other guy.
And witnesses tell me that the patch of concrete that I head-butted was taught a lesson it will not soon forget.
Anyway, then I stagered around a bit, finaly comming to rest at the top of Aro St at about 1am, where I coma'd. Luckilly for me, some kind hearted people weere passing and roused me enough to call me a taxi to take me home. I cannot imagine what I must have looked like. A man, in a trench coat and an inadequate tee-shirt, face covered in bloodlying in the gutter. Thanks guys. I would not have touched someone who looked like me with a pole.

You would think my adventure endith there. BUT NO! The is no reason in the mind of drunk Flan! After the Taxi driver dropped me off at my gate and I paid him, I then decided I was hungry and trouped off into the city to order myself a big mac and a big mac combo. They tasted good.
Then I decided to Txt people.
1.59am : I like you. My txt is for your love! :)!
2.07am : That might have seeming weird, but I think you understand.
2.10 : I am sorry.
I am sorry. dear god. Luckilly, my phone saves my outgoing messages so that when I woke up, on a bench on the plimmer steps, at 6am, I could text and apologise to the recipetent in question.

So all in all, It was a very satisfying end to my week long binge.
BINGE WEEK STATISTICS!
9 Jugs of tui
6 Pints of beer
3 bottles of wine
6 wiskey drys
1 absinthe shot
1/2 botlle of vodka
1 vodka matini
1 vodka lemonade
? bottles of stolen beer.
Fuck I enjoy life. And It all starts again this week! Well, perhaps not so much. But now, what you have been waiting for-

COURSE RELATED COSTS COUNTDOWN!
How much money do I have left?
$349
I think that could be worse, honestly.

Double post friday!

Thats right! Twice the flan-tastic exctiement today, to commemerate the fact that I cannot get on the intranet druring the weekend.
What I have planned:
The drinking has already started today, but soon I will be going to the bar that lives in the libary. It is odd that there is a bar in the libary, but just because you are too geeky to go outside doesn't mean you don't like to drink as well. Pleasure and fun abound!
After that I am going to Newtown, the suburb that is hady for nowhere, to listen to beatnicks do their poetry thing. More drinking. Perhaps I shall even amaze them all with my amazing talet at writing amazing poems and amazingly recite one of those amazing poems! No of this 'I am off to perform my poetry' clicking fingers bollocks. Bleeding heart emos abound!
Tommorow: You guessed it! DRINKING ABOUND! There is a dress up party at a freinds house in the most aro of valleys. The costume specifications is that your dress must start with 'p'. My freinds are going as 'poos' and 'perpetual motion'. I'll give you a cookie if you can guess what I am dressing up as! Clue: It starts with 'p'! Abound!
Sunday: I am proably due for a hangover sometime soon, so sunday will be spent getting over it. Should be a shocker!

so there we have it. I hope you have as much fun and excitement planned as I do. Pleasant whatevers! ABOUND!

How am I still alive?

Yesterday, as I was just starting my second jug of tui at eastside, I got a text message.

Mr X: You comming to Bodega tonight?
Me: Why, whats on at Bodega?
Mr X: All the writing group are getting together for a nightcap.

Yes, 'Nightcap' was the word used. The message should have read 'we are getting together to OBLITERATE YOUR LIVER!

So yesterday I had:
Four wiskey drys
Three Pints of Beer, Black
Three Pints of Beer, Ale
Two Jugs of Tui
A glass of red wine
And, to finish off the night good and proper we all had *drumroll* a shot of absinthe.

Yes, the green pixie was with us all last night. The good old green pixie.
But, Remarkably, on the fifth day of my week long binge fest I am feeling pretty good. I don't know if the can of tuna for breakfast was a good idea.

COUNTDOWN OF THE COSTS!
As you may have guessed, my bank account is now a fuckload emptier.
Today : $455.
Oh crap.

It's raining cats and

GLASS! Goddamn you best appreciate me trudging uphill in a frenzied shower of ICE COVERED ROCKS to tell you all about my amzing and briliant life. I woke up this morning, at 8am, an the sun was shining merrily, so I went back to bed. I get up again at eleven. Sun is shining. Wash the dishes. Sky is blue. Have a shower. The cicadias are chirping away with the desperate nature of thouse who want to get laid before they die tommorow. I walk outside in a thin tee-shirt I pilfered from a freind of mine and HELL FREEZES OVER AND THEN IS DROPPED ON ME. IN SHARP PEICES.

anway, Eastside opens soon. Sweet wiskey will be my mistress today!

COST COUNTDOWN!
Today: $783
Whats this! My funds have gone up? NO! This is my rent money from studylink. It goes away tommorow.
Money I actually have: $533
Sweet mercy fuck! What the hell did I drink yesterday? Well, time to go find out!

the days before uni

Only four more days untill uni starts! Only 96 more hours untill the back breaking strees of 11am classes start!
HAH!
If I haven't said it before, then I will say it now. I pity you if you are taking a law degree. I pity you if you are taking a Design degree. Science or Accounting degree? You get my pity. If you are taking a Theatre degree, you are beyond pity, and floating in an ocean of near-disgust. Pretty much, if you are doing anything EXCEPT english, you are in for a great year. And by great, I mean it would be easyer to be born a jew with dark hair when Hitler was in power.
My course centers around reading books. It's easy. Even for a mediocre reader, this means that you can proably finish a weeks worth of work in two, maybe three nights. None of this brain hemmoraging stress that you get from law, where the students barelyhave time to eat. And even when they eat they are reading. Reading stupid text books that cost $75. and you have to buy a seperate glossary.
This might seem like I am doing nothing but gloat. That is because I am doing nothing but gloat. Gloat gloat gloat.
Have fun with your year, suckers. I'm off to eastside.

COURSE RELATED COSTS COUNTDOWN!
Today: $597.14
I should be able to save some money today because I got up later than usual. This means I might not buy lunch here.

why do you hate me?

And why did eastside close at five yesterday? i was just getting into the swing of things. Perhaps today they will realise that this week is the only week when nobody has any work and everyone has money and stay open longer.

FLAN'S COURSE RELATED COURSE THEMOMETER!
On tuesday, my course related costs arrived, so now I am going to keep an online recored of how much I have spent! I spent $500 in three days the last time I had any money, but you will be pleased to see that I have been doing better this time. watch out for updates at the end of each post!

Tuesday: $1000
Monday: $685
Today: $618

Today I have to buy some more refill and some batteries. And lunch. I am also debating weather to get myself a gym membership, but I am thinking this will be a waste of money. Do you?

Alcoholic Pudding

Yesterday my grandparents came to welington, and so they shouted me a meal at a restruant called 'Hazel'. It costs alot, but it was very nice. The main reason it was nice, me thinks, is because of all the booze they put into everything. There was one course that I had that did not have booze in it, and that was the galic bread.
But they saved the best till last. I had white chocholate rum buree with drunk fruits and a hot chocholate that had so much hazelnut liquour in it the spoon stood by itself.
so I have decided to be a dessert drunk. It's a briliant idea, good food, and you are sober for most of the day, but just when people are thinking, 'oh thank god Flan was sober enough to put on pants today' you say, 'perhaps I'll just have something else' and BAM! You reserve yourself a place in the nearest gutter and head off to the fats.

Sometimes I love my life.

but now I am at university. Again. At 9 am. Again. This is because today is the first day of "Oreintation '06 lolzorzs". So I have to do alot of things before all the first years make the halls sticky. And then I shall wait untill eastside opens.

Whos bright idea was it to put a bar on campus? Satan tempts me. I have no will.

Wellington night life

Fun fun fun in your bum! Back in wellington, so I had to celebrate last night. With BEER! It's a meal in a can apparenly. All the goodness of a loaf of bread with thrice the alcohol content!
Then myself and another three freinds went around wellington, trying to get into bars and shouting 'Matt Damion' at people. I gave a man who has hitting buckets with a stick ten cents.

In other news, uni is comming back to life again. With first years. They are easy to spot, because of all the supree they are wearing. They are hanging around, trying to work the computers, reading their notes for classes that they will proably stop going to after a week of drunken excess. It's almost cute. They seem to think it all matters.

But we know differently now, don't we?

Dinner invitation

It worked! A brazen act without much tact has worked it's charm without much harm! (I'm a poet, ect.) Yup, I have a dinner date, I suppose, and it fells good.
You reading this, my welly friends? Remember all those times I have said 'come on, go talk to them, what have you got to lose?' and you would reply 'My dignity' or 'The use of my limbs' or even 'control over my bladder'? Well, perhaps not the last one. But still, the lesson is there. We aren't getting any younger, (it's fun being 20 and saying that), and so we must become men of action.

In other news, I am going back to wellington tomorrow. I was supposed to be on the bus right now, but my grandmother invited me to dinner, so I postponed my return. I will proably be chowing down on some sort of a roast tonight. Or perhaps even fresh fish. The best thing about dining with my grandparents, however, is that they know wine. They have a wine cellor. It is in their closet. But the wine they serve is always suited to the meal and beautiful. So very very good wine.

So I go on the bus tommorow.

Valentines idea of a joke.

So today my money arrived into my account. Unfortunately, because of a promise I made to whatever, I then had to send a Valentine to someone.
This may not seem like a very logical sequence of events, but I am sure that you know realise that life doesn't have to be very logical.
This is the first Valentine I have sent. To someone I am not in a relationship with. The fun of it all. Thank you study link, for only getting yourself into action when there is probable chance for my own public humiliation. This, I think, is further proof that studylink is run by Satan or perhaps even Hitler.
But it is better to have tried and failed, ect. What is the worst that could happen?

A can of mace to my face, I suppose.

Thank you studylink!

"What is that? My money will be in my account two weeks before the start of my course? Because I really need that money. If there is any doubt that the money wont be there, please tell me and I will make other arragements. No? It will be there? Good, because, as I have expressed, I really really need that money. On monday. Yup. Thank you."

Yes, thank you study link, for being complete and utter wankers. Monday is today, but alas, my money is not here. The money that I need to buy my mothers birthday present. The money I need to pay my rent. The money better get here really, really soon.

So, that's my monday well and truly fucked.

In other news, I believe I am sweating the alcohol I have consumed in the last week from my pores at night. My god was list night a sweaty, sticky experiance. Sticky and smelly. I don't think I have ever sweated so much in my life. You can stop reading now if you want. Because sweat is yuck.

The fun is inside me. Or will be. Once I get my money.

Between the sheets

Last night I went to a 21st. It was a costume party, and I wnt as a Roman senator thing. Hah! Thats where the sheet referance came in! You thought it was going t obe much more exciting, didn't you?
Well, It was quite a good night. The person whose 21st it was is actually an ex-girlfriend of mine from probably five years ago now, so I must confess that I was a little sceptial of things. I didn't wan't to be hanging around like the skeleton out of his closet, a pink elephant eating all the food. But All was well. We share alot of mutual friends, many of whom came to the C.H.B. especially for this party, and a good time was had by all meeting and reminising about the ole times and catching up, epecially as some of us haddn't seen each other for over two years.
Usually reminising makes me quite depressed, but the special thing about last night was that this didn't happen. Before we went our seperate ways I spent mostly all of my first and a good amout of my second form years with these people, and hearing about all the good times an dactually having stimulus for me to recall the good times was very interesting. My memory is shot, badly, so remembering anything in any detail from a specific period in my life was kind of like being more complete than often.
My internal editor is telling me that I am not making much sense, but I don't care. It was a strange and nice experiance.

So have fun for the next whenever, thanks for the party and I wish you all the best.

The green fairies

HOLY SHIT!! It is the way to explain last night. There was a bottle of cheap wine, of my own bringing, a bottle of zambuca. And the ,there was a bottle of absinthe. Holy holy shit. I drank half the bottle. I am very very drunk. Right now I am drunk. For fourty five dollars a bottle of 72% booze is a very good purchace.

You can tell that absinthe is not a normal drink after you have your first glass. We were cutting it with water, three parts water for ever part absinthe, but three minutes after I had finished my first half glass (It tases like liquorice and is very easy to drink) I felt it's effects. I am not, as you may have realised, and easy drunk. So I then decided to hide it under a willy wonka hat in a bedroom.

The most fun was buying the stuff. I went into the local liqour store and found the stuff, and then aproached the counter.
"Hey there, (Name Suppresed). I haven't seen you in a long time." Luckily I knew the person who was working at the counter.
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while." The person at the counter didn't know who I was.
"Can Isplit the payment for this?" I said, handing over the bottle of green death.
She said "Sure. What are you studying in welly?"
I Said, as I reached behind me for the eftpos card of the underage person that was supling half the money for the absinthe, 'I am going to be a teacher."
She said "thats cool". Her eyes said, you are blatantly supplying pubesants with a substance that is banned in most countries. This is a fucked up situation.

I said, 'Yes, yes it is." Thanked her and walked out.

Party central hawkes bay

Well, what do you know it, but I have only been back in waipukurau on night and already I have been invited to TWO parties. This isn't too uncommon in welly, but in waipuk this is a new world record. Also, Waipukurau has the added bonus of being a hell of a lot smaller than welly so the walking is less. Less walking equals more drunk. But then again, waipuk has more stabbings. And 'P'. We are the 'P' capital of NZ, apparently.

Anyway, 'P' aside, me and my good freind Mr. $9 bottle of wine are going to meet up with a few old school mates. One still lives here because he is not old enough to leave, but the other has left, and gone to Auckland. AHAHAHA!

Times should be fun and the drink should be plentiful, I shall be intoxicated and the couch will be lumpy. Story of my life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

AUCKLAND! AHAHAHAHA!

The bus sucks donkey

I hate the bus.

I had no music to listen to on the bus.

I had no book to read on the bus.

I had to listen to a man make racial slurs on the bus.

And talk about politics.

I hate the bus.

In the wai-puk-of-A.

Today I go back to Waipukurau, hometown and place of sweet boredom.
Why you ask? Why go to your one streeted hometown where that one street is lined with incoherant bumbs who never got out of waipuk and plus they all smell like poos? Why go back to Waipuk when the Fringe festival, the festival packed with the theartre and even some free stuff, is about to start?

Because of my endless ANGST!

Oh, I be the angsty right now. I hate wellington. I hate hills. I hate wind. I hate my flat. Yesterday, My flatmate saw that I had left a gum wrapper on the carpet. A little gum rapper. That she could have picked up and put in the bin. But no, she left it there for a day. To see if I would put it in the bin. I didn't. Because I didn't see it. And I didn't se it because it was partially covered by a rug. And it was a gum wrapper. A very, very small gum wrapper.
This might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I have just moved out of a flat where we once spent three weeks living in our own filth because we were too drunk to care. I enjoy being too drunk to care. Looking over my own shoulder and critising everything I do annoys the fuck out of me. I need FREEDOM! LET ME BE FREE!

so I am going back to waipuk so that I get bored shitless and when I return everything will be hunky-dory. Also, I should have some money by then. And an 18+ card.

Also, It be my mothers birthday soon.

What am I doing?

I woke up at three am last night after an interesting dream based loosely on 'Catch 22'. It was about one Major's quest to find out why everything was so very strange.
Then I stayed awake. I have been awake for 6 hours, and have read a novel. What have you done with your day, huh?
I went to have coffee at a cafe yesterday and it was strangely depressing. I had people to talk to, and lively disscussions to follow instead of mindless and unimportaint small talk. But I think it was because my latte was served in a glass. God invented mugs for a reason. So that my fingers would not get burnt while drinking my caffenated beverage. Why don't people listen to god anymore?
So today I am doing nothing. Might check out sjs and see if they have any jobs going. Might go back to be.

How much might could a might hound hoof?

Holy holy holy

BOOZE!
I have had the equivalent of 9 bottles of wine in the past week! Considering the fact that I was only drinking for three nights, I am rather impressed.
I played alot of limbo. Now my back hurts. And twister. Now everything hurts. And Circle of death. My Innards hurt. And 'shot races'. My innards hurt more. And 'Eat the half a cabbage'. That also affected me. Badly.

Anyway, now I am free for two weeks! More drinking abound! When I get money, of course.

...And stuff I did do.

Boy howdy have I spent alot of money. But it has all been on good, helpful and educational things.
Right then. so I bought Tekken 5 and the Fooly Cooly box set, Two bottles of wine and brunch at B4. So really I am quite pleased with my effort. No hookers.
But anyway, now to rant about my new purchases!

Tekken 5 - it has been about half a year since I rented this game and unlcked all the characters, so I thought, what the hey, I'll delete my save, leave the round count on two instead of one (customary to beat things quick) and up the difficulty level. I had, obviously, forgotten about one or two things.
a) This game is a but load faster than Tekken 4. It's almost as bad as playing 'Marvel vs. Capcom'. If you are new to this game, GO TO PRACTICE MODE FIRST! Otherwise you will be pummelled into oblivion in the first round.
b) Jinpachi is a cheating fuck. I had forgotten that the boss of tekken 5 can kill you in ONE MOVE. And if you have to beat him twice in a row it makes it that much harder. Half his move set is unblockable too.
But apart from that, Tekken 5 rules. Better grapics, better movement, and you can customize characters costumes.

Fooly Cooly - The anime seris in which a young boy gets hit in the head with a bass guitar. Then robots come out of him. Not fun for all the family, there are some parts in which this seris gets completly fubbed. Fubbed to the power of ten. But it be the fun.

What else be happening to me? I have a dinner to go to tonight. My creative writing course is so very close to being finished, so all in the class are going out for a nice dinner together, then out for drinks. i like drinks, I like them alot.

Only 7 hours to impale until then.

So that is it, I suppose.

I am single.
It's been a long time comming folks. Three years, or there abouts. But now there is no other half for Flan.
I am the half eaten pudding in the cheese conpartment of my soul.
That is proably the biggest news that I will ever have for a little while. It will proably take a little while for the news to sink in. I don't know what single people do anymore. It was easy when I was attached, all I had to do was sit in my room and resist earthly temptations. But now...
Well, at least i got $500 today. When I say 'got', I mean 'extended my overdraft by'. But it's not going to stop me spending it on cask wine. No siree.

Off to do stuff to things.

Grey skies

Back I am at the university. The sky is grey by no rain is falling. Wind whistles though hornbeam trees like a summer coloured sigh...

*Ahem*

Egad! I do not have any I.D. I haven't for about a year. But it seems to be only now that I can no longer purchase alcohol, open bank accounts, prove my identity or find my house key. It is at times like these I beleive in God again. Haha God, very funny indeed.
see, it is only 10am, and yet I have failed in all my endevours this morning AND the intranet has crashed on me four times. well, no one has noticed that I havent been charged for any usage yet, so we will just keep that to ourselves.

I have to do writing stuff, but I don't think my brain is consice enough yet. ll the bunnies is what I see.

Faithful minions

I don't have a computer. So I had to wait untill uni was open before I could post blog. Blog. Yup.

I have been up to much stuff since we last came together my freinds. I am, for the beginning, no longer sleeping on the floor of any room. I am now sleeping on a matress, on a bed base. You would think this would make me happy, but I am filled with annoyance. The bed is hard, and to small for my muscle bound bulk. The matress it too short and my legs fall out the bottom and on the sides. And my pillow is lumpy.
I do have my own room now, complete with guitar and comfy chair, wardrobe that I do not have to sleep in and my playstation. I played a game of Tekken 4 to see if I was still the OMG p0wn4g3 m45t3r and I was, so that was boring.
Again, I have no money.
On friday I got really really drunk and walked through a scary park to fall asleap on a couch. The party was in brooklin. If you do not know about the wellington aera, then all you need to know is this: Brookin is uphill. It is uphill from everywhere. It is a mountain, and my freinds live on top of it. I stole their cutlery.

I have finished me (hopefully) final draft of me first story for my folio that is to be handed in friday. Now all I have to do is type it up.

Or, of couse, I could procrastinate more.

The five steps of lonley

Woo, me some good yes! Yesterday was the most hellishly boring experiance I have had in quite some time. (I am writing about yesterdays for now because I am sleeping in the living room and my flatmate gets up at 7am. Good ole 7am. 7am is proof that god was on crack.) I did not much. I was supposed to be re-editing me writen things for a folio, but instead I sat and looked at the wall and cronicled my process of being lonley.

There are five steps that everyone passes through when they have nothing to do:
Step one: Boredom. If you weren't sleeping on the lounge floor you would go back to bed.
Step two: Depression. It is raining outside and you start to list all your freinds that you cannot be bothered visiting.
Step Three: Agitation. You pace around the room and lip sync muted informercials.
Step Four: Crazy. You go outside in the rain that is comming in sideways and buy a subway footlong.
Step Five: Coffee. You medicate yourself with caffeen untill someone arrives or you die.

And that was my day. I did watch Enter the Dragon and another movie called 'Versus', where an escaped convict finds himself in a forrest where the dead turn into Zombies. It was really just an excuse for blood and brain bits, but it made me laugh lots and good. Those crazy Japanese.

Of to eat rice and peas - nature's excuse for sustinance.

Living off of flooring

I HAVE MOVED!
At the last minute I decided it was going to be easyier to move into an already establised flat rather than suffer anymore indignity at the hands of the 'we screw you for money' realting agecies. Unfortunately, the rent here is a little steeper than I had hoped ($35 dollars a week more expensive, actually... that is seven bottles of 'passion pop' a week!) but it is right intownand next to the uni and it means that I didn't have to move a desk that is begger than my bed. Two thumbs up!

Now I have fnished class as well, which means I have three glorious weeks of nothing to do inside. This is the first time in a year that I will be able to relax without the guilt of the work I am not doing. So me and my metric ton of coffee are going to stay indoors and watch bruce lee movies and read lots. Lots and lots and lots.

And now that I found out how to use this computer, I will once again be able to terriorize the internal netted comunity with my drunken ramblings! Won't that be fun?

festival of expletives

God [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] and [buzz] [buzz]ing [buzz] flat finding!

It is that time of the year! I will have no where to live next monday, and if I do find a residence, I have no way to get my things there!
Add to the delightful mix of beauty and happiness hugs the fact that I have no money and no booze. Over the next seven days i have to pack my life into boxes, find a house, and unpack it all again. all while studing. some things are going to get very crumpled.

And in case you didn't know, flat hunting is the most rewarding thing in the world.
'oh, you took an hour out of your day to find walk across town, find this place and walk up the seventy stairs to see me? Im sorry, the flat was let two weeks ago. Why did I leave the noticew in the paper then? Well, I guess it is because I AM SATAN INCARNATE!'

Then the realter breathes fire on you and pushes you down the stairs.

Time waits for booze

Ah, my freinds. I can always rely on them to, when I am supposed to be working, drag me out of the house and force me to spend a night in drunken revelry the effect of which will be felt for another two days. It is a sad fact of life that as you get older hangovers seem to hang around for longer.
But I am not actually all that bed today. I slept on the floor under my trench coat with a towel for a pillow, but after a shower and half a dozen peices of toast I am not to bad. I survived the night with my eyebrows intact.

Tomorow go back to the big city of wellington. This would be good if I haddn't just received a rather nasty surprise. Apraently I only have untill the 19th to move out of the flat. I thought I had untill the 29th. This is not good. Not good at all. I just don't have enough time for everything I need to do.

Where did I put my vodka bottle?

Critical Mass

I am supposed to be reviewing other peoples work, but the good carttons are on. samurai jack starts in five, and then Teen Titans is on. Sometimes I think that I watch too many cartoons. at times like that, I am right. But it isn't my fault, this cartoony adiction. It is a a govenment conspiricy involving [insert pharse here, preferably something to do with mdgets].

speaking of midgets, today there was a show on called 'man vs. beast' where they pitted various different animals against different athletes. A orangutan defeated a sumo wretler at tug-of-war (I still don't know why that game isn't called 'war-of-tug. It makes alot more sense), a navy man beat a chimp on an obsticale course and a zebra destroyed an olympic runner. All of this made sense to me, more or less. But then the logic fell apart when the next match up was announced. It was going to be a competition to see who could pull a boing (that isn't how you spell that is it?)747 twenty meters. Who would win? The bull elephant? Or the forty harnesed midgets?
Midgets in leashes. I would have seen how the match ended if I had not discovered that Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi was on the other channel.

The addiction is mine alone. Anyway, I still have two more days before this stuff is due. Plenty of time.
Plenty.

I remember 2005 like it was only yesterday...

HAH! I love stupid New Years jokes. I say one every year just after the countdown. Like 'oh my god I can't believe it's finaly 1964!' or I look a someones dress and say 'that is soo last year.' Ah. i really don't care if you think it's pathetic. It makes me laugh.

This morning I woke up at 6am without a hangover and finished off my short story. hooray. Hooray indeed. All sixteen pages. In fact, at 5000 words it is the longest thing I have ever written for and university course. Its even longer than the novel I tried to write some time ago. Because the novel only obtained two chapters. Anyway, WOO! Now all I have to do is alot of other stuff. I really shouldn't be doing this, I should be working. But who is going to stop me? The procrastination police? i think knot!

Soon the family is going around to my grandmothers for lunch. Infinate food was fun for the first three days i was back home, but now I am almost getting sick of it. Famous last words. I know that after a week of eating noodle cup slop I will really really want some meat but at the moment I just feel like a glutton. A monstrous, pavlova eating glutton. All the alcohol doesn't help either I am sure.

Only a month until I have to move out of the flat! I hate moving, But if you come back in a couple of posts time I am sure you will hear all about it.

can't get enough of those sugar crisps.

Teh words commeth

...and now they are gone. I have spent twelve hours over the last two days writing furiously, squezing words out of my being like sweat out of pores and like corn out of orifices. It has been none to plesant. Today I have spent much time typing the damn thing up. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that it is shit. It started off alright, with good intentions and a completly realistic frame, but along the way it aquired an imaginary friend, a narcotic main character who is out of touch with reality and a fixation for the colour blue.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I know this is only the early draft stage, but I have to make the decision now as to weather I let it go completly wack or prune it back to it's realistic origins. The middle road of a balance between the two just seems like too much work to sucessfully do before wednesday. Oh well. I will sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

In other news, I watched both the fantastic four movie and ong-bak, a newish martial arts flick. Ong-bak was really good, and very very gravity defying (no wires though!) and the fantastic four movie wasn't as bad as I expected. However, I think they needed to get the shit kicked out of them more before winning.

Well, now I am going to watch the midsummer murder special. That poor old inspector. where ever he goes, someone seems to end up dead. I wish I had his job.

My mum is bathing the dog in the sink. You can't give entertainment like this away!

You smell funny

well, it is proably true. Alot of people do smell funny. You smell funny. I smell funny. Elmo smells funny. We are all just part of one big funny smelling blob. A blob of EVIL!

Well, today I helped clean up the house. I think it is the least I can do since I am eating my parents out of house and home. I have done nothing but eat since I got back from welly. Well, pretty much nothing. I have watched a lot of cartoons. But i haven't done my writing. I still have seven days to go, but I have to start tommorow. I have to. EVIL!

Garlic bread is a good thing. I like garlic bread alot. It may make me smell funny but it tastes damn good. The man who invented things in cans should have been awarded a nobel prize (yes, I know garlic bread doesn't come in cans, this is a completly different tangent). Thik of how difficult our life would be without canned food. We would have to go shopping every two days and would be unable to prepare for the zombie apocolapse. Prepare for the zombies! They come! EVIL!

Well, you get the picture. Anyway, it is past midnight so I had better not eat anything. You know what happens when you feed them after midnight.

Liquor is quicker

Last night I was the drunk. To get drunk was pretty much the only non-work thing on my list of things to do over the christmas break. And now I wonder why. I obviously haven't learnt any lesson from my drinking. It sill makes me feel like testicles, it still makes my money go away. It still makes me fall over.
The worst thing about drinking is the fact that it has far reaching repercussions. I was supposed to be doing stuff today. Now I am not.

There is a pavlova on the bench of my soul.

morning in the crib

AHHH! I found out where all the stupid comes from! satan brews it in his big metal vats, deep below the earth, sends it via courier to Microsoft who then distill it for extra potency and pump it directly into every chat site/engine/MSN/cell phone/crazy frog song ever created. And all to keep us smoking. Dispicable.

In other news, the 18hour mark of awakedness has been surpassed. Soon the good cartoons will be on and I can free myself from this entropy machine. Nothing destroys entropy quicker than Samurai Jack. I wish I had FLCL.

Funyums are not Lugnuts. I think I have some icecream left. All is good in the manger.

Oh beerknuts!

Today it be christmas. My sister woke me up a 5.30am. In the morning. She is seventeen, and this is the only day of the year that she can get out of bed before 10 o'clock.

I got coffee.A mound of coffee. So much coffee I get the shakes just looking at it. It smells like caffeen. It tastes like caffeen. It is caffeen. i have just added it all up, and I have about 10kgs of coffee. If I used 20g of coffee each day then I would be able to stay awake for half of this year! all must beware. It is more than possible.

Tommorow is the last day of my self inflicted holiday, and then it is back to hundreds upon seconds of endless cancer causing writing. So before I am engulfed in a sea of work and sleeplesness I shall leave you with these chilling words of warning:

If you do it too much you will go blind.

Merry Christmas!

Just covering the printing costs

does anyone ever, ever buy those meditation books off the street? no, didn't think so.
Street thing: 'Hello sir, today we are talking to people with over abundant face hair! Like to buy this...'
Flan: 'Stay away from me Hell beastie! My eyes inflate in your presence!'

Lots has happened to me dunring my absence from blogging. i have eaten a packet of Gingernuts. I have slept on our roof. I have 'aquired' a christmas tree. But most of all, I have been writing. oh so much writing. You think it ends, and then it divides through some unknown process of mytosis into seven more pages. And you know that it wont stop there.

At the moment I am back in the hometown. Foster's home for imaginary freinds is on, and I am waiting for 'Shaolin showdown' to begin. I have touched, shook, tasted and listend to all of my chritmas presents under the tree and, unusually, I don't know what any one of them is.

Woo! Monkeys online! Must. Tantalise. Featherduster. (The sane stopped a few days ago).

World Flat Wrestling

That's right! After many months of good intentions and hollow threats, the WFW has finally begun! unfortunately, even though I created all the characters, I am still wedged firmly in the middle of the WFW order. Bloody tourture rack. Gets me every time.
In other news, people reviewed my story that I submitted for workshop . It was met with mixed reviews. I am not surprised. I wrote it in three days. But all things are going well. At my current rate of progress I will be a millionare by this time next year. For now it is back to eating instant gravy on instant potatoes.

Christmas is nearly upon us! Fear his poison bite!

"......"

Satan lives inside me. Between my kidneys, next to my spine. He eats my spine cartilage. Listening to Stained. Stuff sucks.

Are you success?

"Now find 100cent!"
Why don't keyboards have a cent sing when they have a '$' sign? No-ine thinks in cents any more. Or with sense either for that matter.
Hah. Hah. Hah. Do you be feeling my brain laughter?
Today I was beaten by my Gradmother at squash. Five times. This comes off her last five win streak. In fact I have only beaten her about three times ever. She is sixty. Boy am I healthy.
Crumby, crumby muscles!
Tonight is my last night of cartoon network. Tommorow i go back to wellington, where I think the first thing I am going to do is buy a cask of wine. Drinking is fun. but before that there will be the bus trip. I hate busses. They are filled with people, and sometimes the people have babies. If they do not, the smell and are simply too close to me. They sit in the seat in frount of me and recline their seat as much as possible so that when the bus trip is over my legs are so numb that I fall over and the bums reident at the rail station steal my wallet and luggage. Then Jesus laughs at me.

Almost 7o'clock. I don't know what that means, but it better be good.

yup. looks like rain.

come back to sunny sunny waipuk, and it is raining. what happened to spring? It was hot and sunny and skin-crispy-fying a few days ago, and now it is just crap. And it's not even constant crap, either. It looks sunny and bright, even a bit o blue sky over to the left there so you take the dog for a walk and the god urinates on you.
This kind of weather would really piss me off (pun intended! oh hah hah ha!) if I had any need of the outside world. I do not.
Finished reading 'In my fathers den' last night. You know, that one by Maurice Gee. it was alright. I watched the movie. That was also alright. Apart from the fact that it was alegedly based on the book it had nothing to with it. Anyway. The books alright, but the ending sucks, the movies alright but what the fuck.
Aren't you glad you took time out of your day for that? I am.
Parentals come home today. hopefully they will then take me to the new harry potter movie.

And yes, I do think hermione is a bit of a dish.

Too lazy to focus my...seeing things

Yup. I just too lazy to unblur my vision.
I now have the house to myself! Also, to add to my general merryment, my mother gave me $20 for food for the next two days. That is usually enough money to last me a fourtnight!
So now I am filled with chips and pork flavored meat sticks. Once it sets, I will then eat the ice cream. ICE CREAM!! ICE CREAM!! couple this with a night of the brack show, and you have a comblination full of vein clogging inactivity.

Fear my pizza filled mouth words!

Small things...

...amuse my incredibly small mind. the thing is, when you think about it, the universe has more room for small things than big things, so the odds are in my favor.
Like the girl power sequel to 'He-man and the masters of the universe'.
It is called 'She-Ra'. She rides a unicorn.
I think this will keep me amuse for seconds. Countless, countless seconds.

No! My sweet sweet brain goo!

Today I received the course outline for my summer course. It does not look easy. It also does not look cheap. I have to buy a course reader, pay for all photocopying AND when my work is being workshoped they expect me to bring a packet of biscuts! Biscuts! I think it needs to be repeated once more: BISCUTS! I don't have money for biscuts! I haven't even seen a biscut for over a year. Perhaps I can make biscuts out of some kind of tomato mush. FEAR MY TOMATO-Y MUSH!
In other news, I have not yet secured a job. After my last blog I went into the sjs office just as it opened and went for a job cleaning a house. Unfortunately it had already been taken. In the three minutes it took me to peruse the notice boards, note down the ref. number am transport it to the desk, all three positions had already been filled. Luckly, I was still holding the butter knife that I had used to make my morning toast so I didn't have to find an impliment before the gutting began.
Now I am in waipukurau, running from the athorities. There was also a family funeral. It was fun to see al those relatives who I didn't know and be teased about my hairy face, but at least I got free beer. So at least i have food here. I have already eaten all the chinese, biscuts, crackers, cheese, ice cream and macaroni that was just lying around in containers marked FOR LUNCH TOMMOROW: DO NOt EAT! where anyone could get at them. I will eat until I starve!!

It makes sense when you think about it. Really.

Stuff. It sucks.

No work for me, oh no! No wants anyone to work right now, but I need money right now! Only for rent, because yesterday I went out and bought 15 cans of chopped tomatoes for the premium price of 50c a pop. i am going to be eating so much tomato over the next few weeks I would not be surprised if my blood turns red.
so here I am, at uni, at 8.45 in the morning, waiting for the student job search offices to open so as I try once more, and proably fail once more, to get a job. then I will try and scam more money from the government!
'Yeah, I lost my glasses, and I need money so's I can see.'
'Aren't you wearing glasses?'
'Glasses? No, I just drew glasses on my face, like on that OPSM commercial. Pretty realistic, no?'
The goal being to make them beleive that I am uncapable of living and then they will put me in a mental institute where, I hear, they do a very good plate of tomato mush.

Still ten minutes to stab repeatedly. Perhaps I will stand outside the sjs office until they pay me to go away.

Crotch Ball

The last two days of my life have been, without a doubt, the most exciting two days of my life.
I have been shopping, tasted canned coffee, walked around in a suit, seen crazy people ranting, been mistaken for a 30yr old, and met some Jehova Witnesses without my pants on. And been drunk. So much drunk.
But there were two things which stood out as major acheivemnts.
The first thing was being accepted into the summer creative writing course. Only 12 people get into it each year, and people think I am good enough! My heart swells with pride and my head with hot-air. Because I am great.
The other is the imvention of crotch ball.
You will need a tennis ball and two people, male. Both participants sit down and take turns bouncing the tennis ball with the hope of landing it in the others groin. You can bounce it high if you want to hurt the other person, or low for more accuracy and if anyone guards their regions the other person gets to take a free 'crotch shot' which has no bounce. The game ends when it becomes impossible for one participant to have children.
It's a fast paced game of strategy and skill that is sweeping the nation!

And you cant sue me because you dont know who I am!

The last of the summer meat.

The person rang as I was finishing my last sausage. Oh well, it is not as if I need meat. It's just a luxuary really. I have leeks and capsicon, so why do I need pork flavored miscelaneious? It isn't even reall meant anyway.

I don't need it. No more meat.

*sniff*

nobody wuvs me...

Damn and botheration! Why won't this person ring me! They are supposed to pick up the phone, dial my number and say 'yes, we want to give you $480 a week for awnsering tellyfones! No, we don't need to know your true identity, or even if you are working at all! Just come here at the end of each week and we will give you could hard cash!'

Well, perhaps not the last bit. But working the antisocial hours of 12-8am seems perfect for me, the man with no life. And working lots for lots of money means I have no time to drink, which means money gets saved into a saving thing. Saved money means I get to eat something other than porridge! Yay!

Perhaps I should get off the internet, as I did not give said person cell phone number. I don't know it. I have only had it for five years.

Good old alcetel bricks. I don't need a cell phone that can take shitty, shitty pictures or remind me how little I have to do each day. And I definately do not need a phone that is compatable with the 'crazy frog's greatest hits.

Goddamn that crazy frog.

You cannot deny my spleen!

I have thirty-six episodes of 'invader zim' the zany cartoon about a small green alien thyng and his bungled attempts to enslave humanity. It was taken off Nickolodeon for being as disturbing as 'ren and stimpy', but funnier.
You would think that obtaining such pearls of greatness would fill me will tumors of joy, but you would be wrong.
I am unhappy because the Freezer keeps eating my bread.
It is a monstrocity of a thing. You could chop up three people and preserve them inside. But it eats everything I place inside. And if was it placed is not eaten then it is trampled to pancake oblivion by what I can only guess to be the freezer goblins.
And so my bread is gone. This happens at the wost possible time, when I have no money. And I don't mean I have no money in the usual 'oh crap I spent all my money on cheap wine now I cannot drink untill thursday' kind of I have no money. No. I mean I have no income for two weeks, nothing to buy food or wine or combustibles or even enough to fund my own euthinasia. I have to wait untill I find out weather I am able to get into a summer course, in which case the government will pay for my living.
If I do not get into the course, I will be forced to either gut myself or get a job. I can't wait untill the coin-toss decides that one.

I am off to sample my last faithless worm-monkey.

Kicking sticks and tyres

Today my friend and I were eating popsicle slushies on a convienient bench and watching people with lives walk past. I remarked:
"you know, I think the youth of today deserve a good kicking."
"yes, with sticks." He replied.
"With sticks?" Ask I.
"We shall tie them to our shoes."
I think this is the best idea in the world.

Now, directly after my little speel about how I hate metaphors that attempt to explain life, I will now blog about how great my metaphors for life are. And they are. It is the best thing in the world. You will marvel at how much you resemble a vehicle with wheels upon it.
Yup, we are all some kind of mobile tyred thing.
I am a spare tyre: I am comfortable being the extra man of the group, the thing that isn't needed but always kept around. I am Inexplainably greasy, and you don't show me to your real freinds. In a pinch you will call on me to help but I will always let you down due to a slow release puncture.
Other things you could be are a unicycle (you are unblanced and difficult to steer), an articulated truck (you are bendy and have a cool horn thing), a kitted out subaru (you enjoy to company of the same sex and try to disguise it by tinting your damn stupid windows) or even a nifty-fifty (everyone thinks you look like a dick and even some old wommen with zimmerframes are quicker than you, but with the upcomming oil crisis you will be the only one who can get out of your driveway on $10 gas).
I think I shall make it into one of the super great awesome cool internet quizzes that through a seris of easy to awnser questions reveal your inner workings to you. The inner you that is a retard, of course.
Those people will be Segways on my test.

Haven't seen you genitals in years? Stop segway-ing to the kitchen for mayonase samwiches.

Mushroom and Ham omletts

Today I am going to have an omlett.
Do you ever get the feeling that you whole life is just one great big omlett? You break a few eggs, mix in some random activities that you have lying around the place, grate on a whole lot of cliched cheese and what you are left with is either a good meal or a very stupid metaphor.
I hate metaphors that try to explain life. Life is not a box of chocolates. I see a distint lack of cellophane and gooey centers. Life has a hard, brittle center filled with hunger and a need of money and it chips your teeth. Life is also not a joss stick. I do stink, but the stench wont go away no matter how many windows I open. Life is also definately not a used car. Why? Because. just because.
Life for me has been filled with countless, countles games of Worms 3D and near countless bottles of cheap, cheap wine. So perhaps, life for me is slimy and filled with toxin. Close, but not quite. Always beware those who try and pigeon hole experences. They suck.

Blood transfusions my Jehova cry. And we dont want a crying Jehova now, do we?

The Days

It's a show called 'the days'... and the name of the family is 'Day'! AHAHAHAHA! I WET MYSELF LAUGHING!

On saturday I am going to be a pirate. There will be other people there, as it will be a partying occasion. But most notably there will be a keg.
Keg. The word sends shivers of anticipation down any alcoholics spine. I have been to a keg party only once before. It lasted 6 hours. I threw up. At the end of the night it ended up being just me and three other buddies passing the keg hose back and forth in a vain attempt to finnish it before comatosing. We didn't manage it.
But now it is happening again. I have starved meself of alcohol since monday in anticipation of this unholy celebration of some mexican festival held in graveyards. It will be great.

I am the offspring of Satan and a Huntley and Palmers water cracker. Fear my mightly interlect and pasty flaking skin!

The nusance of mucas.

Doing nothing is only fun when you are doing it to avoid other things. Pushing myself around the living room floor on my back is fun when the other alternative is your 'dead writers who didn't amout to much' lecture, but not so much fun when you realise that you are supposed to be in the best shape you will ever be in your life and that alcohol rots your teeth.

There is a big difference between fun and nessicary, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the divide grows ever larger as you get older. Cleaning the flat? Not fun, but nessicary. Throwing yet more rotten eggs over the flat and into unexpecting backyards? Hours of fun in minutes! How about cleaning out that orange stuff from the fridge? Proably a good idea before the landlord comes around, but wait, makeing dirty words out of fridge magnets fills a place inside that has been empty since birth. Reading this, you proably wonder why I get out of bed in the morning. The awnser is simple: It smells.

But the truth of the matter is this: if everyone was like me, there wouldn't be an overpopulation problem, the ozone layer would still be intact and there would be less violent crime.

So vote for Flan. He bribes you with cookies.

New Age, New Demographic.

A month after my last post proudly proclaiming my lack of things to do I have been unable to post because of being swamped by things. I have had essays to leave untill the last night before botching, I have had video games to play. I have been to parties, been to town and been in bed, all as exciting as the last. I have witnessed the phemonomon (well, you spell it you bastard) of 'flying cauliflower' and pelted neighboring houses wit 6 month old rotten eggs. It has been a futctis month indeed.

But now I am 20. My teenaged years are over. Responsibility is poised to drop on me like an enraged tree monster. No more sitting on the couch drinking beer eating pizza and playing tekken repeatedly, trying to beat my time attack score. Yesterday, being 20 made me go out and apply for a job. My well founded aversion of working for money made me ring up the place of employment and proclaim that I proably wasn't indian enough to work in this dairy, sorry.

I am old. OLD. And what is wrong with reading and elderly bloggers rants on sex? Everthing really, so thats why I will not rant on that particular subject. But while I was filling out my resubscription to 'Playboy' at the breakfast table this morning I realised something.
I am no longer 18-19. No.
Now I am 20-25.
Perhaps the next five years of my life are going to be so boring that they deserve to be lumped together by one homogenious check box. Playboy thinks so anyway.

Today I will play 'Breath of Fire IV' and Twister untill my thighs burn.
Fun in your bum!

Two in a row

What am I doing? Two days in a row I have posted here. It comes from a lack of life I tells ya.

Tommorow I get money, so I am off to town with my good freind Giles to spend it. Money has no use burning my pockets, so why not spend it on booze and other nesisities? Like pasta and tomatoes. It's what I have survived on for the last week, which also means that each meal costs about 20 cents. You gotta learn to live like a damn hippy if you want to become a serious alkie.

In real life, NOTHING IS HAPPENING. The biggest event this week is my father's birthday. Good on the old man for getting a year older and everything, but it is a bit pathetic when you consider that my dairy has been counting down to his big day.

Off to sing a little song. Lalala.

Doing the life limbo

Ever thought you couldn't get any lower with out falling and getting seriously hurt? That' s what I would think if I was playing limbo sober. As it turns out, I am neiter limbo-ing nor am I sober.
No, I am in relationship limbo, the worst kind of limbo next to existance limbo and the waiting-for-some-big-company-to-attend-to-your-call limbo. At least this limbo isn't punctuated with bad quality recordings of Kenny Rogers songs.

So, to say the least, creativity is at an all time low. I just managed to pump out a couple of short stories for the Sunday Star Times short story competition, but only because I had written them about a fourtnight ago and they only needed some very minor tweaking. Honestly, I feel about as creative and inspired as an exceptionally unemotional lump of coal.

in short, I feel sick.

reeeee...scrischwishyEEEEEE!!

Oh, how I love dial up connections. You see, you may think that I have just been to lazy or to drunk to post here but in reality it has taken the better part of the last month for ANYTHING TO LOAD! God damn kiwi online straight to purgatory, where it and it's unholy services will spend the rest of eternity listening to my theatre tutor. Whats that mr.tutor? you just spent the last two hours of my life on mind-numbing drivel? Seems I must now eat your family.

In the real world, life has not been good to poor flanny. (Thats right! Prepare for the bitch moan whine! Your ears will bleed in the boredom!) But with relationship problems and the taste of rank in my mouth each morning I think I am fully justified in only going to the minimal amount of classes needed to pass my courses. On a plus, however, this leaves plenty of time for writing. Damn you Sunday Star Times, I will win your $5000 which I will then spend on keg beer and scratchy tickets. In that order.

I have new jeans. one pair black, the other blue, both the same style, cut, price and purchaced in the same shop, at the same time. So tell me, why does is the black pair unable to stay on my comfortable hips and have a fly that is bent on exposing my shriveld lump of manhood to the world? No one wants to see that. I don't want to see that.

That bastard Satan has even infutrated postie plus. If he wasn't already, I would damn him to hell.

Going to massey today to play pool and drink beer. Untill then I will sit in the sun and do sweet nothing. And yes, I will still moan about how awful my life is.

Moan bitchy whine.

brown paper packages

I am back in waipuk. I don't exactly have alot of spare time at the flat (most of it is spent gazing out the window and playing freecell) but while im back I intend to chain myself to the computer. With the chains immoveable.

In half an hour, however, I have to get the last of my Meningitusus injections. And then I will be INVINCIBLE! Thats right! I will be able to go out and lick any surface I like without fear! I will drink saliva for breakfast! Or then again, I might just stick with toast. Less gooey.

Anyone who reads this think on a regular basis/at all will be excited/commiting suicide when you hear that i want to write stuff for money. especially for the $5000 prize that the Sunday Star is giving away for short stories! I like money, so I's gonna write good big yes.

Why the hell does this damn iTunes program insist on merging the start and end of all my songs? I like my music to have clear cut endings. It's like catharsis for the ears. And it doesn't make everything sound like the auditory equivilent of my patented 'rice and gravy gloop' meal that I have been living off for the last week. If you put it on toast and close your eyes, it almost feels like meat.

Off to fester in my own filth.

Got any Retalin?

Damn fridays and my two hour 9am tutorial for bastard Classical theatre where there are the scary theatre people! People who work in theatre need shirts that say 'I AM A CRAZY BASTARD' so that the rest of us hungover people may avoid them and spend our mornings in peace.

A week has past, and I went to the doctor. Apparently I am quite healthy if you take away the 50% chance of death by heart attack. Have to go and have a blood test on monday morning, so that means no eating for 15 hours before hand. Well, I'm outta food anyway. But since this is a new doctors surgery they will proably insist on trying to find blood in my right arm... oh fuck, I forgotten which arm they can get blood out of. They will be poking around in my arm for months if they get the wrong one. And I am not a fan of needles.

Got locked out of my bedroom last night by a sleepwalking roomate. Had to spend night on couch.

There needs to be more slaughter of the innocent. Especially the bastard theatre innocent.

Procrastination

On thursday I have a 1500 word 'dramaturgical report' due in. It is worth 25% of my mark for this year. So instead of reading the play or even finding out what a dramaturgical report is, I am here complaining about my lack of motivation to do such things.
I haven't done anything for about two months. Nothing. Remember when your primary school teacher told you that lazynes is a habit? Well, it's more addictive than coke. I managed to get out of bed at 7:30 this morning, but I can quickly see the rest of the day dissolving into a non-productive blob. It will be purple (real blobs aren't afraid to wear purple) and may have small chunks of anime floating around in it.

In other news, I have no food. I am going to borrow some rice off my flatmates so as I may have rice for lunch, and then I will have rice rissoto for dinner. Tommorow I will get up early and go to the university for at 8am on a wednesday they give away free bread. I may also ask if they have any spare rice kicking around. Since I have come back to wellington I have lost 5kg. I have been the same weight for the last 3 years, so this is rather interesting.

Life is good. Even if it sucks balls.

Godless bastards.

Yesterday I watched "the Frightners". God damn, Micheal. J. Fox comes back from the dead more times than Jesus! I wonder weather he has beaten Parkinsons yet...

Many things have been happening since I have been back in welly, and many of them I have forgotten about. Fist up, I have relocated. I no loinger live inb a self contained room at the end of a flat, but in a cupboard that doubles as my drinking den. Yes the drinking has beeen more copus living with this crazy bunch of fools I call my freinds.
Also, for the last week I have been BUT UGLY SICK AND ILL GOD-DAMN. The influenza virus suck complete bitch cock. I think that Illness is really THE reason god invented swearing. So I can curse my headache to hell and back. Stupid fucken inflated head cells. They make the paoin happen.

Today I am going shopping. I only have $15 to spend, so that means I am buying a loaf of bread and two bottles of 'passion pop'.

Only Six dollars a bottle....

The taste of great

Yesterday I returned to wellington. The high speed internet access alone makes it worth it.

Today was my first day of lectures for the new trimester. It isgoingto take some timefor me to get back into the habit of getting up going to school and retaining information. I made a great start today by being hung over to hack.
But thearter students are strange. I have a class with theatre students, and they all like to hug each other and then have discussions about personal space and feelings. It kind of strikes me as the same trend as the emos have. If you are sad and easily hurt, why the fuck do you want to put your horrible poetry on the net or work in the industry with the highest rate of rejection? But for some reason the prospect of being unemployed and insulted on a daily basis draws the kind of people who complain of indigestion if you put milk instead of soy in their damn coffee.
Idiots.

Off to stick my tounge in the wall socket.

Zombie Cow Nazis!

Today I saw three very strange sights. First of all, while driving to the supermarket I saw two wommen deep in conversation, on who would not stop doing the nazi salute. Then, While gathering wood, I saw a cow council. Many cows were standing around one cow, and they all stopped mooing when it mooed and listened to it's moo melody intently. Then, in a parking place, I saw a child eating the stomach of another child. True, I couldn't see them too well and I think on reflection that the larger of the two children may have been eating skittles, not kidneys. But still, a strange, strange day.

Tomorow, I go back to Wellington. I have bought some supplies from the local el-chepo supermarket. I got a pie and a sasauge roll for $1.50! Mmmmm... the taste of cheap. Anyway, amounst my purchases (yes, a shopping fable!) I bought cramy chiken soup and promite. For some reason you can find neither of these products in our nations capitals supermarkets, and I do like professional yeast spread on my toast rather than those mites who are only doing it as a hobby or part time.

Yesterday I finished the libary books I got out. Now I will have to rely on my own imagination. *sigh*

...and I just finished reading ALL the toothpaste for dinner pictures! Time to curl into the fetal position, me thinks...

lost time...

Do you ever suddenly get the feeling that you cant remeber what day it is and you ccant remember yesterday? You try to remember what you did and who you did it with, but you cant and begin thinking that you might have actually just slept all that day or some demon possesed you and forced you to do unspeakible acts that you cannot, thankfully, remember. Then you look at the calender, take a few breaths and realise that it is actually thursday, not friday. You didn't miss out on anything.

Well, today I was blankly looking at the wall when I suddenly realized that it was friday, not saturday. I looked at the calender and this confirmed my thoughts: at some time during the week my mind had created an extra day, possibly an extra wednesday. I can remeber all that happend on wednesday, all that happend on thursday, and all that happend on wednesday: the sequel.
Not even a demon would be so fucked up as to possess someone and then give them an extra days experience of sweet fuck all. It makes me drink.

Anyway, deseased thoughts aside, today I made a house. Or at least part of a house. And then I got paid for it. $25 dollars for little over two ours work. I should go into the partial construcion of houses buisiness. I didn't even have to lift heavy things. Now I am rich. Richer than Jesus. And he could just wish for money. He could say "MONEY" and he would have some. Rich bastard.

I had a shower, but now the puppy is on my lap. So I smell like puppy, not shower. Damn.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... of DEATH!

Today I went and saw my old schools yearly play: Charlie and the Chocolate factory. It wasn't too bad, especially with my good freind levi as Wonka, prancing around, waving his hands and shouting "LOOK AT MY PIPES!" whenever he forgot his lines. I really want to re-read the book now, just to see if there really was all that sexual inuendo in Roll Dhals book (I dod know how to spell his name, ok?) or weather it was just a product of my deseased mind.

What was a product of my deseased mind, however, are my thoughts that the play would be much better as a grizly gothic fairy-tale. When Augustus Gloop gets sucked into the chocolate pipes, there shopuld be bits of body that travel through the glass pipes behind Wonka as he reassures Gloops parents. When Veruca Salt demands that she wants everything, Wonka should stap her and throw her to the minature squrilles who, excited by the blood, devour her with the efficency of a wood-chipper. And the reason that no-one sees the workers of the Wonka factory should be because they are all vampires.

And Wonka should not be one vowel change away from wanka. It is just too easy to slip up while typing.

Tommorow I have to work. I am to help a family freind with the lifting of things. This will be the first time that I have done and paid labor for the better part of a year. I wonder if it will be as horrible as I imagine. All the lifting, the sweat, the money... money... sweet, sweet money....
Hmmm.

Do you know whats better than milk chocolate? Not having life threatning diabetes.


"Come Chalie, help me run my factory. You'll help buy polishing my pipes. Or there might even be a job opening in the packhouse of... fizzing wizbies."

drawings

I have done lots of drawings! I now done twenty five! I doubt we will actually use any of them in the comic, but they are good practice and I am always fond of putting srtange shit in the backround for the die hard fans to enjoy. ENJOY THIS OR DIE! written on a poster is always fun. Lots of those I think.

Yesterday scrubs happened. My life is now a void until next wednesday. Not even self pity exists within this hollow husk of pale pimply skin! THE HOLE BE SO DEEP LIGHT DO NOT ESCAPE ME! Also you cannot see me because I am a ninja. Fear my ninja-ry goodness. ect.

Well, I thought I had something to write here, but Obviously not. Im surprized I lasted this long.

Do the people who create the equlization presets for sterio's actually know what they are doing? I put ny sterio on the 'rock' preset and now it sound like the music is being filterd through a rock. if this is true, I wonder what happens when i put it on 'pop'...

well, enjoy this, cause i got nothing.

morning...

This morning I thought it was wednesday, so I got up at 10:30. On wednesday I have a doctors appointment to go and get the second of three jabs for the meningitus. And there is scrubs on wednesdays. Scrubby goodness.
So as I was going through my morning exfoliation rutine I was rather dissapointed to remember it was tuesday. I don't have anything to do today. Nothing at all. I might as well still be in bed.
But it does mean that this is a morning post. A rare occurance. Of course, somtimes I be up for long times at night and feel the urge to blog at around 1am, but morning is not really moring untill I have slept first. As a consequence I often find that I have no mornings and days seem to gel together into one gelatiniousablesemisoloubleegshaple blob.
What it means in blog terms is that I haven't done anything to complain about yet.
So i have to complain about things that might happen.
I could die. I could run out of coffee. The dog might deficate underneath the couch again. It will proably be cold. Someone I don't know will come to the door and sell steak knives. I might buy those steak knives. Someone else will come to the door and I will stab them with my newly aquired knives and then crawl inside their belly for the warmth of reciently departed life.
In all proability by the end of today I will be a coffee depraived maniac wearing someone like a suit, brandishing knives as I try to withdraw money from their account at the bank. Someone will shoot me for being a 'crazy maniac'.
But I must resist the temptation. Otherwise I wont see scrubs tommorow.

Just wait untill the season is over...

My life is over!

Damn... I just finished reading 'a modest destiny'. Now what will I do during the long, lonely hours in waipuk? Waipuk hours being infinetly longer than regular hours, I suppose I should just find a new web-comic. And spend more time on pics for my own. But I liked AMD! And now the person who does the damn thing is having a baby (i dont know if the author is male or female) but babies take time. And that will be time that wont be spent on the comic. And without comic updates my days will be void of wit.

In other news I just found THIS: http://asgoodascanbe.blogspot.com/
It's the blog of a 66yr old EMO! Eye-stabbingly funny! Unless he actually is a mental patient. In witch case his sould stop wallowing in his own despair anyway. Dirty, dirty dispair. Even special stain remover can't get it out of my jeans. I mean *his* jeans. Not *our* jeans.
I'll just stop digging now.

hmmm... the TV guide promised anime goodness on tv tonight at 12.30, but it lied. Stupid lying bastard arsehole TV guide writers! Hell is populated with people who destroy my dreams! Silence! My thoughts are deadend with your prounouns of disbeleif!

There will be an cacophony of boom.

On the positive side, www.toothpastefordinner.com still has many, many entertaining pictures of goodness. Visit and be happy.

Another day...

...and another astrology alert in my in-box. I don't read the things, but I don't turn them into junk mail or unsubscribe because it is a nice feeling when you sign into msn and find that there is an e-mail waiting for you. Don't worry, this isn't a sad pathetic attempt on my behalf asking everyone out there to end me pity-mails. I don't read most of my emails anyway, and reply to even less of them. I just like getting an e-mail in my in-box every now and then, even if only so as I my delete it.

In the real world I have been spending alot of time on the net reading a comic called 'a modest destiny'. You can find it at www.squidi.net . Dont ask me why, but thats the guys website. Anyway, this comic is really good. It's fulled with sprity goodness and as well as being but-ugly funny, it actually has a great story line. I think one of the reasons it is so good is because the writer isn't afraid to have the evil minoins kill characters. Because, lets face it, evil people kill good people. Alot of stories have good characters who seem immortal, and that just gets boring. I like to see a character introduced, their background and motives explained and then get cut in half, deleted from the story forever. It's just like real life.
But with sprites. And even the stupid people are funny.

I just had a shower. Life is good and sweet smelling.

Now THATS entertainment!

I think what the world of television desperately needs is a death match between the milky bar kid and the Nesquick bunny. It would be briliant! The bunny would flood the ring with milk, then the kid would turn it into bars and throw them at the bunny, but then the bunny would use the power of nesquick to make the milk products taste like poo and force feed them to the milky bar kid. I personally hope that the kid wins the deahmatch (who can resist that charming smile? and those glasses! SOOO atractive!) but I think the bunny would win in the end.

In the real world, I have been watching wrestling. It was good because Kane interupted a wedding and tombstoned the preist. It's what I want to happen at my wedding.
Last night I had a dream. I like my dreams. This one included organized crime, white stuff in bags, dragons and old freinds in bee suits. It ended with me becomeing the room mate of satan. good ole roomy belzebub.

Time for the brak show!

Like a chump, hey!

Titles are strange things. What am I supposed to put as the title of any given blog? I don't know what I going to write before I begin. Sometimes I don't know what I've written afterwards. But the same rule applies to e-mails, or assignments. These things really dont deserve a title, they are just incoheriant ramblings. Publish your thoughts? I dont have any thoughts!
Nothing else inspires in me the same mix of pity and incomphresion. Except for women.

There has been no real world for me over the past couple of days. I haven't left the house today, except to take the puppy out to relieve itself. Yes, my parents decided to get a new dog. It's a border terrior. It has too much energy, and the ability to deficate in hard to reach places. Eww. The sent of puppy poop send shivers down my spine. But not in the good way. In the bad way.
Today the Jahova Witness came around. I really don't mind it when the religious people come round. I was especially pleased today because i had nothing else to do and its nice to talk to people istead of going down to the pub a three. We had a nice conversation about relegion and stuff, and I got the Jenova music from FFVII stuck in my mind. Thats half the reason I like talking to those guys:
'Do you beleive in Jesus, Mr. Flan?'
'Boo-doop-doo-doo... eh, what? Sorry, The Jenova theme from FFVII was drowning out any other thoughts.'
And yes, I do introduce myself as 'Flan' to anyone unknown who comes to my door. Try awnsering your door as your alter-ego! You wont regret it. Unless it's Hitler, who killes you for being a nasty little fibber. Then you might regret it.

Im reading 'Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrel'. It's like a Jane Austin novel on LSD. Also, did more pictures. Gotta work on 'wear-bear' next, and Im having some ideas about an ear... I don't have any idea what the hell im going to do with the characters, it's J.Monkey's job to come up with plot lines.

Cartoons tonight. I feel sick.

Tuesday, 21 June 2005

You know whats special about todays date? NOTHING! But if you like the show LOST im sure you are busy looking for numbers in everything around you. If you love the show, if you want to marry the show, if you are already cheating on another show with LOST, then you should go here: http://thenumbers.greatestjournal.com/
Some poor bastard with the time that I have but SOO much more motivation decided to go throught the whole show and find any all references to the big guys lotto numbers.
So why is todays date special? Lets take a look!
Tuesday: 2nd day of the week = 2.
21st = 21.
June: 6th month = 6
2005= 25. (there is no use addin '0's together now is there?)
so: 2 + 2 + 1 + 6 + 2 + 5 = 17!
Maks ya think, don't it? Especially if you passed 5th form maths. Then you might think I'm an idiot.

In the real world, today I got glasses. Now I see things good. Although Im not used to them so I spent alot of time tripping up over thing. I am short sighted, so I dont have to wear them around inside, but it is nice to be able to see 3 meters in front of me. Makes me feel all fuzzy in my tummy. That could be slight motion sickness due to the the distortion in my glasses, and I like to think it is. But now I look all smart and metrosexual. Perhaps i'll be able to get a job now.

Also, if you are at all interested, I just finished a new picture and put it in the photobucket thing. I like to call it 'Spoder Myn' just to avoid copyrighting complications. Its better than most of the other pics cause while im at home I get to use Adobe Illustratior instead of its retarded, but free, cousin 'The GIMP'. The name gives it's own indication of it's worth I think.

If i told you to go be an alligator, would you?

Tragedy!

Once upon a time, long time pal of mine J.Monkey used to call himself 'Terros' and run around while wearing his undies outside his pants. And once upon a time, I had no life. So therefore:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/terros/

Oh, I laugh so much! SO VERY VERY MUCH! Especially when I read this:

'well today has been such a weird day. i dont know whats going on. i cant make sense of anything any more.I am soo messed up.I just dont understand and i dont know y. Its my mind why dont i understand'

If I had a soul then I might find reading and exploiting others personal writings for my own amusement a bad thing. But I dont. If you are an emo, or dont want people to make fun of you because you are stupid, the the internet is NOT the place for you. Live Journals are funny. Go, serch your name and find out how much of a loser YOU are in another dimension! www.livejournal.com

And then salad happens.

Man-o-bats

I saw Batman Begins today. You should too. It is good. Good and dark and scary. And it had the Scarecrow in it. I never really thought that the scarecrow was a very good villian, but this movie casts him in a different light. I would tell you more, but you should go and see the movie so that it makes lots of money because this is a movie that should have a sequel. I know that all the batman movies have been done already, but they need to be done again by this guy.
There isn't too much T&A factor eiter, which I think is good in a superhero movie. As they say, "I may have a burnt face, but that doesn't mean I can't fight crime!'

In other news, I be back in the good ole wai-of-the-puk. Relaxation and slothiation are my key words for the next two weeks as I am free, free as a nudist fresh on parole from idecient exposure charges. Did I say 'as free as'? Correction, I AM a reciently freed nudist on parole from idecient exposure charges.

I'm so tired, but there are good cartoons on cartoon network tonight. I have to watch them because I just received my Eye D card, and can now win prizes. As long as I watch cartoons constantly. Constantly. If I tape my eyes open and sleep in frount of the tv, I might even be able to win that cool 'Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi' manbag! Manbaggy good!

Silence! You know not what you mock!

Sooo tired...

I'm a fan of people being hit by things as much as the next man, and thats why I play video games and watch wrestling. Under controled circumstances I've even been known to engage in a quick game of jumping off big things or 4x2 dueling. But I would never, ever, want nor expect to have anything i do, sane or otherwise, put on tv or to receive money because of it.
Why are there shows like dirty shanchez out there? You humans are incomprehensable.


Then this happens.

two-thirds the man I used to be...

Last night I chopped off my member.
Well, no I didn't. But I know you were all thinking something equally or more disgusting in you foam fillied minds. You have all contracted the crazies. Remember: some kinds of infectious are good to spread around!

Today I finished the second of my three exams. It went pretty well actually, thanks for asking.
A fire alarm went off in the middle of it. I never really thought I would be pissed off to be leaving an exam room, but when that thing went off everyone groaned loudly. Its scary. I don't think it was because anyone was actually annoyed that there was a break in the exam (I wasn't, gave me some extra time to think), but I was pissed off I had to move. I had metally and physically prepared myself for 3 hours of non movement and to have that broken annoyed me sorely. And I'm lazy.

So life is good! Thursday, last exam. Saturday, go home for food that doesn't come from a can and is microwaveable. From then on I can sleep until 12. Nice nice nice.

If any of you decided to enter the workforce instead of going to uni, I pity you. All this lazyness is definately worth any amount of stupid people.

Will I ever learn?

Only 15 hours untill my Shakespeare exam. Am I filling my time with the helpful cramming of plays? No. I am writing a blog, the composition of which would proably make good ole Bill spin in his grave with enough force to power Utah.
I don't know where Utah is, or what he does. But he sounds like he needs alot of power.
I shall be glad when the exams be over. That means I will have two weeks of not much doing. I do, however, plan to try and do physical activities when I return home for the break (If I am in the house populated with parentalls I can get free food and save the money for text books.) but those who know me know that that idea will proably just stay an Idea.
Just like me studying.

Nachos for dinner tonight. Great cheezy goodness. Orphen, the game, sucks. But if you ever manage to find the manga of 'Hellsing' you should be reading it. It's great!! Even if it does inculde Nazis as the geriatric bad guys, it is as bloody as hell! Good blood... I like to touch the blood.... BLOOD!
*ahem*

'I'd explain it to you, but I left my crayons in my other jacket.'

Coffee...

I like my coffee like I like my women: forcibly from behind!
Oh, sometimes it's funny to be sexist. But really, coffee is really good. It fills a place inside me that has been hollowed out by years of faliure. That space can be filled with beer, but coffee is less expensive and healthier.

First exam finished. First exam failed. First attempt at homicide. School sucks really. Often i wish I could just live in a box and play pokemon forever. But batteries cost money, and to get money I need a job. And I want a job that does,t iinvolve any heavy liftin which means I need some kind of qulafication. Then I can sit in an office and play pokemon while they pay me for other stuff.

People are funny. funny LOOKING!

Beating the clock

Had yetanother dream last night... it was a really long one and is too strange to put on the internet me thinks. I will just say that it involved death, destruction and another man puttinghis toung in my ear. Eww...

Tommorow be the first of my three exams. All my exams this trimester are open book exams, which makes me suspicious... why would they let me take all these texts into the exam if they wernt going to spring someting pants-wettingly horrible on me?
It hasn't made me study any harder, however... i am saving it all for a big ole study cram tommorow.

'don't bug me with a Caterpie,
for flying types the wins easy!'

Scrubs is on again! once a week! YAY! And thats all that is happening in my life.

I am still in my bathrobe.

Drunk! An inaction novel.

Damn Samurai Jack is cool. All the goodness of goof things are in it. Deep future robot cutting action!

Today I got drunk. I went to see my old work buddy who now works at the pub. And then I fell aspleap in frount of the heater. At home of course. Not at the pub. For some reason pubs don't like you falling asleap at the bar. When I am rich and famous, or just rich, I will bulid a bar that serves drinks to people in bed.

Later today I will be giong back to wellington. Exams are drawing ever closer, and my studying is being more and more heavily procrastinated. Since I cannot drive I have to take the bus. I hate the bus. It smells and makes strange noises. Sometimes it smells bad. And to make matters worse I just broke my diskman. No music on long bus trip make Flan something something.

But for now I bewatching cartoons untill I sober up.

Later Days!

The vertically chalenged

Last night I had anither dream.
I was in a room. Two walls of this room had crayons nailed to it. The two cyrayoned walls met, and the crayons were a darker colour at the corner. In this corner there was a barbers chair. It was an old red barbers chair- the type that looks like it was crossed between a dentists chair and a wheelchair and then had a ploe shoved up it's jacksie. In this chair was a midget.
I was in the sane corner, the midget was in the crayola corner.
Then the midget said to me:
'Don't fall in the water. We midgets dive in to try and save those who fall in, but it is the fairies who do all the work and you don't have one.'

thus the dream ended. I like these dreams.

In other news, I return to wellingtom tommorow, and I don't know what Rum is made out of. It don't stop me drinking it, though.

...in Dreams

Today I finished Elizabeth Konx's novel 'Dreamhunter', the first in a seris of two. Apart from the dissapontment I always feel when I finish a book and either have to wait for the next instalment or have no other books to read directly aterwards (both cases apply here...boo-hoo to me), I really enjoyed this book. But dreams and me have never really worked together. They used to scare me quie a bit when I was but a young chappie, and although nowadays I quite enjoy my dreams, they still remain damn strange.
Take last mights dream for example.

Myself and a buddy had decided to get tatoos. The tatoo palor we had chosen was on the 'x'th floor of some building. I just know it wasn't the ground floor. The actual tatoo parlor was just a small room that kind of resembled my old schools photography room. The tatoo artists, a guy and a girl, were likewise shadowy.
My friend had decided to get his balls tatooed. This struck me as odd, and it was even stranger when the female tatooist seemed unable to tell the difference the parts of private and my freinds upper lip. He ended up getting a maustauce in tatoo ink.
This didn't discourage me, for some reason, and told the tatooist that i wanted a tatoo on my arm. he asked me if I wanted to be anethisized. I, not being a fan of the pain, replied yes.
So he pushed needles in to my face, arm and leg. It wernt to pleasant.
Since the whole right side of me was now paralized, the guy thought it would be a good idea to cover me inn dishwashing liquid and spin me around on my chair. I tried to get up but since I was now lubricated and numb i found it pretty difficult. Luckily, the guy fell over aand myself and my freind were able to make a stumbling escape.
In the corridor there were all sorts of oddities. My friends boots had blood on them.

At this point I awoke. The sub-consious is a very strange place. It's ok for a vist, but I wouln't want to live there.

Heaven is a place on earth...

...yes, yes it is. Heaven is waking up at midday, drinking five cups of coffee and listening to Greenday while lounging in frount of a roaring fire. Dam,n its good to be alive. No-one else around, no shortage of food, no reason to wear pants. In fact this lifestyle has only one flaw:
Im $997.34 OD. And me credit limit is $1000.
And this is completly my own falut. I am a bum. And being a bum means that for the next week I will be living off pasta.
But it's all worth it for moments like these. People who complain about there jobs and suchlike should stop working. You'll soon find out weather you are more suited to being a bum or you need things like food and shoes without holes in them. And when you find out who you are you should embrace that aspect of your life. Ride with it, be comfortable with who you are. Don't submit to people who think that you are 'what is wrong with this country' or a 'hazard to peoples health, both mentaly and phisically'. No. Stand up for you you are and be happy.
'Cause otherwise it just sucks.

Yoho and Arr!

http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/L/lunatwilight/1077344136_deSLIPPERS.gif
Yahah, I am SLIPPERS! wanna know what shoes you are? Go to http://www.greatestjournal.com/quiz.bml?Q=3514
Oh, online quizzes are so much fun. And are of so little value. Perfect for ad breaks.
Also, I happen to be a paperclip, Elle Driver and a pirate. Horah!

Back and into the relm of real life, I got my Hellsing dvd's back. Sooo good, this seris mixes everything good from anime and vampires... ah, I can taste the grape juice now. Tommorow it's Saturday, and saturday is me sleep in day. all bed, all the time. There be nothing better than just staying in bed for however long I like. A couple of days ago I got a new book, so even if Im not particularly tired I can enjoy the warmth of my five duvets. In fact, if there wasn't great cartoons on the box tonight I might have just gone to bed now so as to wake up sooner.

Well, soon I will be back in Wellington. Slightly colder, but this is a small sacrifice for broadband.
The power cable connects to the mo-dem,
The mo-dem connects to the ADSL ca-ble,
The ca-ble connects to my art-terie,
The broad-band flows into my bllod-stream,
AND THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!
Not that I actually have any practicle reason for wanting broadband. Anything I do on the net doesn't need such speed, butwith it I can do it faster.

I've run out of ice-cream.

Civilization!

Back from the beach I be. It was wet and cold, and I played lots of scrabble.
You may laugh, but scrabble is the heritage of my family. Never can any member of our family meet without a scrabble board being produced and a three hour argument started about gramma and spelling in general.
So addicted are we to scrabble that we actually have a gold-plated scrabble set. Damn is that tile bag heavy when it's fully loaded.
And because im a hopeless speller, I also found out that 'stoilet' is not a word.

Back home on friday is the best night to be back home on. Tonight really good carttons are on. So at about 3am, when thay finish, I wont be surpried if I blog again.

I have a scab on my elbow.

Life in the night

There is no one on MSN at Midnight these days! What is wrong with you people?
We must all be getting old. I remember the old days when I could spend many a night talking away to god konws who on the I-net, but now...
'Ohhh, it's almost five pm! must be getting to bed...'
Or perhaps all my freinds have blocked me. You bastards.

Anyway, tommorow I be off to the dentish to get my teeth drilled, and then Im off to the beach for a couple of days. Yay. The Beach. In Midwinter.
So not only will sand get everywhere, but it will be cold, wet sand.
Then again, I do like sand castles.
The point is that for about twenty-four hours this blog wont be updated. *Gasp!* *Shock!* How will you cope? How will I cope? I don't know about you, but without the unholy infusion of internet rantage that i've be getting once or twice a day I may just die. I am going to have to live off coffee alone.

But fear not. While you are waiting for my glorious return to civilisation you can go here:
http://unfaithful-wife.blogspot.com/
As the name suggeests, this blog is about an unfaitful wife. I want you all to go here and post comments.
Some suggestions:
'If your husband is so great, stop throwing your vagina around' or...
'Women aren't really people anyway, so it's stupid asking if you are a bad person.'
... you know, just the usual. In not a christian and the 'sanctity of marrage' thing has been applied in some very odd ways, but that doesn't change the fact that cheating isn't a very nice thing to do.Especially not when you broadcast it over the net.


Oh, I got new shoes. I now longer have to wear plastic bags over my socks to keep the rain out. Always a plus.

Happy thursday.

Don't stand to close, you'll catch it's stupid.

There is a lot of stupid out there. Like this joke!:

Q: Why is it easy to trick vampires?
A: Because they're suckers!

Let me tell you, when I heard that one I laughed for minutes!
But today I am not really going to be talking about the stupidness of 'fake lash' effect mascara or the complete uselessness of chocolate kettles. It fact, i am not going to complain about anything today.
'Why?' I hear you cry! 'No-one on the internet can resist complaining! You're annymous, so no one can seek you out and sniper you down! Don't let it go to waste!'
Well, im not going to complain about anything because im not going to do anything about it. I don't really care if George W. Bush is illiterate. Im not going to take time out of my day to educate him. Don't care if McD's serves burghers made out of pure fat, Im still not learning how to cook. I don't care if im poorer than Jesus, I am NOT GOING TO WORK! DONT TRY AND MAKE ME!
That is the only thing that really annoys me: whenever people find out that im unemployed they look at me as if i am a worthless bum. I am a worthless bum, of course, and I don't deny that. It's just that people should take time to know me before judging me. I might be devoting all my unemployed time to saving the enviroment. I'm not, infact every tuesday I start a small tyre-fire, but I could be. In fact, getting to know me is proably an exercise in futility, but at least it would stop you all from complaining about things that you are never going to be able to, nor try to, change.
And you stupid vampires actually read all this! Yahaha!

On the brighter side, Scrubs is on tonight. SCRUBS!!!! The guy who write for that deserves a star on hollywood boulevard. Not that bloody american idol vampire.