Teh problems

This weekend should have been one of the most enjoyable in living memeory. On thursday, a package arrived from my auntie in the states that contained all sorts of easy to prepare and get fat from delicasies only foun in the USA, and on friday I finished off my last essay for a month, had ONE jug of tui at eastside, which I often find pretty difficult, had a good go at the crossword in the Dom post, went to town with my monies, had roti chanai, the tastiest spicy foodthing around and then spent $13 hiring out DVD's and I bought a book. The DVD's were:
Beserk, vol 5: the bloodiest anime around with funny outtakes
Trigun 3 + 7: I can watch this one out of order because I have seen them all before
Evangellion 1 + 2: Everyone knows Evangellion. Apart from me.
Billy connoly 200?: I forget what year it was, but Billy still funny.
And Scrubs, season three, my favorite TV seris ever.
Who wouldn't be happy with that? Sitting in bed, eating popcorn and Drinking Pepsi Max (To the EXTREEME! No, honestly, it doesn't taste too bad) all day. All of it.
But I had made one fatal error. Scrubs: Season three, while being really, really funny, is also hell depressing. That is because I have decided I am J.D., the main character of the show if you haven't seen Scrubs (SHAME!). Except for one or two differences, that I shall detail here,we are EXACTLY the same.
The diffences are:
J.D has:
- cooler hair than mine,
- better body,
- a kick arse soundtrack for his life,
- a job that doesn't make him want to strangle people,
- freinds who don't live a) up a mountain or b) in auckland
- a stuffed dog called 'rowdy' (mine is called Max and now lives in Japan)
- the ablity to fall over and not get hurt
- something to live for
- and, this is the most importaint one, for the whole of season three J.D. was sad because he had a woman who wanted to go and have sex with him all the time, but the woman he wanted to sex was sexing another man, but when J.D. asked the one he wanted to sex to stop sexing other people and sex him instead, she did and then he decided that he no longer wanted the sex.

And we are supposed to feel sorry for him.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. J.D, but I have not had sex, nor anyone in my bed, for a year. I have not woken up next to anyone, not had a hug, no kiss, not even really been in a position to worry about these things happening to me, because although I think I am a decient example of humanliness, noone has show ANY inclination to do anyhting like that with me. In fact, the only person who has show any inclination towards anyhting like that lives 15,000 km away, and although we have broken up, this is still unlikely to change at any near juncture. So you can take your cool hair and 'oh my god I've got too much woman to know what to do with' attitude and just FUCK OFF.
so then I went out and bought myself a bottle of wine with the last of my money because, apparently, the only way I know how to deal with life is to drown it. That is why I am getting a counceling appointment. Goddamn. Goddamn indeed.

Here we go again.

Public Humiliation

Last night I went to the bar. NOO! put down your stones! It was for a good cause!! And besides. I only had two jugs. Pretty good, huh?
Anyway, the good cause was that there was a trivia night, with the first prize being a $50 bar tab. ARH! Your stones hurt so much! Anyway, I was in a team all by myself, because I have noone in this world. They all went to 'Brooklyn', which is another word for that viking hevan place, and 'Auckland', which is another term for hell. Because I don't actually keep up to date with current affairs beyond attempting the crosswords in the Dom Post, I came last. But for my trouble I won:
3 Tui Tee-shirts,
3 Cans of Pesi max (Extreem to the MAX!)
3 False mostaces
and a frizbee disc.

My team name was POOS. Some people were stupid and dind't look at the board before they put up their name, so they were 'poos' as well. And crap.

Anyway, this weekend, I am going to tidy my room. This will proably take all weekend, as it smells like poos. So I have to wash everything, EVERYTHING, and dry it and find a new place to hide the babie corpses. It will not be an easy job. The lettuce men watch the house like hawks. I am sure they are stealing my fecal matter....

Well, wasn't that a disturbing tangent? Thats what reading too much T.S. Eliot does to ya. I just finished my essay, and I always find that concentrating for shuch a long period of time such as writing an essay makes me go something. Shopping? Don't mind if I do!

Civic Video, here I come!

corrupt, dishonest criminals.

Yesterday, as I was obluting, I noticed that someone had put a labour party sticker on the stall door. underneath it, In biro, someone had written 'corrupt, dishonest crminals.'
This surprised me, not because of the statement, which may well be true, but firstly because it was spelt correctly (even with the number of students around it is very rare to find any corectly spelt desk/ toilet wall scrawl. Ecept in Von zedlits, where some of the Engl lecturors actually go around and correct it.) but also because I thought it was a bit of an overkill. Corrupt AND dishonest? Surely the two go hand in hand? Can you imagine a corrupt official that WASN'T dishonest?
"Yes, I did take the bribe. No, wait scratch that, thats no what I meant to say... I mean, Yup, I took the bribe and then turned a blind eye to that child pornography ring that I, in fact, had set up, so it wasn't really a bribe it was more like taking a bit of money and promising not to shoot myself in my own foot. It was a kickback of my own disgusting scheme. Damnit, I really should try to be less honest If I am going to be so corrupt."
See? Don't work to well, does it?

So anyway, that is the story of the most amusing crap I ever took.

In other news, at the moment I am PROCRASTINATING! Procrastination is one of those dirty little habits that are so addictive, and to date it is even more expesive than a crack habit, for if you take crack you wake up in a couple of days $200 poorer, but if you procrastinate too much you wake up tommorow, find out you have been dropped from your course, and now owe the government $1000. So I had better get onto me T.S.Eliot essay, then shouldn't I?

Yes, yes I should. At least this time I am making a reallly good go at it. I am using reasources

oh, wed nes day ies

Bloddy hell have I been burning both ends of the candle this week. In fact, I think someone has been holding a lighter up to my waxy middle part just for a laugh.
Well, the joke is on you, isn't it, Mr. Pyro? Because I survived 9 hours of work!
Yes! Put that in your pipe and somke it! And I hope you get toung cancer.

Now i am going to go home to bed. Sweet, evil smelling, sweaty bed.

Oh bloody blah.

I need more sleep, goddamn it! Last night I had to help someone with a filmy thing, and I didn't get home until 12:30. To top it off, I only got four hours sleep. FUCK! unfortunately, I have an essay that I have to write today. Have to. I have five hours today, and five hours on thursday to blat out 2000 words at a level that is ok for 3rd year. It isn't going to be too easy, considering my mind juices at the moment.
In other news, all of you who are worried about my drinking 'habit', that it might cause 'cancer' and eventually 'death', I say, COMEON!! No honestly, I am giving it a break for a little while. After last weekend, I think I need to. so I is going to try to no drinky drink all this week, but next week, I am going on a BINGE!
Yup, to try and change my habits, my freinds have decided that I should binge. Binge on MILK! Next week, my goal is to drink as much milk each day as I would usually do beer. So that is about 3 litres of milk every day. It should help replenish all that precious calcium I have lost due to vitaman leeching alcohol. And then I am going to write it all down and send it to salient.

Anyway, no more procrastination, gotta go read some T.S. Eliot. He was a man with his head screwed on right.

The bubble has burst.

It has finally happened. My run of happyness has ofically ended. I knew it was going to happen at some stage, I had just hoped it wouldn't. I have been trying to stay drunk in an effort to ease myself back into depression town, but sometime very soon am going to sober up, and the whole of life in complete and utter focus will come down upon me like so many heavy square things.
There have been some things that I have been wondering about. One thing really, and that thing is women. What do they think about all the time? How do they operate? Why, when I woke up this morning, was I not hugging one?
It is one thing to feel all empty inside, like you have been hollowed out somehow. It's where your soul should be. People call that feeling 'life'. But it is quite a different feeling to wake up and know that you are completly alone outside also. All that you want is a little bit of contact with another human, the warmth of a hug, and a like mind ot talk to.
But it isn't happening for me. Nothing is comming together, and companionship eludes me. Is it too much to ask, God? Of course, he doesn't know. He has as much trouble talking to people as I do.

Hmm. That be some depress. Oh well. Till next time.

How many?

How many times can I type 'holy shit' as a title to me blog? How many drinks did I have last night? How long was I dancing with the broom? These are questions that I do not have awnsers for. Yesterday was a 20 hour fetival celebrating booze, booze and booze. And sleaze. So much Sleaze. I was Sleaze king . I am sorry to all those people who I sleazed on. But I enjoyed it. I think. I cannot actually remember five hours of last night. That is the new record for a blackout for me. Usually I can remember pretty much every thing that goes on while I am drunk, but untill I saw the pictures this morning I did not know that I had stripped down to my boxers and played 'scare the guy with the shitty music by any means possible' for an hour.
So how much did I drink last night? Only god knows. I woke up yesterday at 8am, and I did not go to sleap until 8am today. All of that time, all of it, was dedicated to drinking. I had :
Six crate bottles of tui
Six cans of tui
Six glasses of a very alcoholic punch
Six shots of absinthe
Six hundred ml of jack daniels and coke.
Six was the number of the hour. I proably drank more than that, but I simply cannot remember. I am still drunk now, at fuckin pm. Life is so very good, and I love you all. Have fun.

Signing off, Drunken Flan.

Fuck yes friday.

damn am I pleased that the week is over. Thank all that is mighty. Today, work was bum. I was a little hungover from last nights 7 jug fest, and it was kinda busy. Also, for some reason, all the complete jack off decided to come in and order their jack off coffee.
Person 'I'd like a mazipini'
Me 'What the fuck is that?'
Person 'Well, if you don't know then I won't tell you'
Me 'Fine. Want any thing else?'
Person 'Yes, this.'
Me 'Sorry I can't see what "this" is. It's behind the till.'
Person 'THIS!' Waves coke in front of my face 'It's coke! You know, C.O.K...'
Me 'Get the fuck out of my cafe. Go now. Fuck off. Just fuck off.'
I got in quite a lot of trouble for that one.

Anyway, I got my extension yesterday, so tonight I am off to my freinds house. They said they wern't drinking. If they think that will stop me, however, then they... well, they should know better. I know them for yonks.

Now it's time to stop procrastinating and do an assignment. It's due at five.

Shock Horror!

I missed a post! Wow, how long has that been! Now the events of yesterday will be forgotten forever! Well, since it consisted on nine hours of work, I don't think it shall be missed.
Yesterday I got paid. $260 sweet sweet dollars. Sweet. I have $190 left. Sigh. Oh well, we know what will help that, now don't we? Beer. Damn straight.
But today I have to write an assignment, for it is due tommorow. I have done 2/3 of it, so that should not be too difficult. But I have to appy for an extention for my essay due on tuesday. Mainly because of the party that is happening oon saturday. because I am expected to be there. Because a party with out an absenthe drinking, pantsless Flan is not really a party at all.
I hopes I get it.
Well, gona have lunch now. The moment of truth happens at 1pm today. And then the Eastside happens.

Silent wind of doom attack!

Alright, so I don't get paid today. I get paid tommorow. Damn. I spent my last $7 on tui last night, and the freind who I always meet on tuesday, and proably the only person who reads this, wanted to borrow money from me. so I have no money. He has no money. we just sat around having no money together.
Well, work happened this morning. some deal really. Yes sir, coffee for you. Give me money, ect. except, today a girl who I have only talked to once before decided to spen a good half hour with me in aimless chatter, unlike most other people who decide that it would be beter to run away/ gouge own eyes out/ watch re-reuns of 'Barney' rather than talk to me. Ah, Barney. He's still funny. Because he's purple. And purple means you are gay.
So I have a bottle of wine at home, which I will proably hit once I get there, but at the moment I still have an hour and a half to kill. Usually I would be at eastside, preparing for the theatre tutorial that I have at four, which is UTTER HELL if you are sober. Yes, all sorts of brain numbing stupidity goes on in a theatre tutorial. So it helps if you have numbed your brain up a bit first.
Other than that, life be good. I will go home tonight and drink as I cook myself some dinner, which is the most fun ever. I don't know why, but I really enjoy it when I drink and fry. Wasn't there some sort of add campain against that? Proably, but really, there are more pressing things that need to be addressed through the medium of TV. Like people who like decaf coffee. They need bricks.

Oh, I wish I was a ninja. I would silent wind them sooo bad.

Another weekend, another drunken experiance.

Friday was st. Patricks day. You know that holiday about that saint that nowone knows what he did, perhaps because of all the drinking. I had forgotten about it, but by sheer luck had decided to wear a green shirt anyway. KARMA RULES!
So I set about the long and complicated process of drinking. First went to eastside, got drink. Then to Bodega, Got drunker. Then To kitty o'shae's. This is where the fun started.
There was a live band there, and there was no que to get inside. This was amazing, but it was five o'clock. I had fun dancing to the band, pretty much by myself, but as I said, I was drunk. Drunk, like having heaps of money, means you don't have to worry about much. Then I fell in love.
Ginneus. (I really have to learn how to spell this.) Ginnues, with a rasberry shot. The way my granddad has it. This is the drink of kings. It is wonderful. It is smooth, it is flavoured, it is 6% alcohol. I love it. I love it alot. When I have too much money to know what to do with, it is all I will ever drink.
But the fun don't stop til I drop, and I don't drop easily. I went out looking for a kebab, and instead found a salvation army caravan, giving away free stuff. No catches, just free coffee of juice. Briliance. I spent about half an hour there talking to the two very nice girls who were working the thing. Good times, good times. But it got better.
On the way to the Kebab place, a busker was playing a song I liked on his guitar. When he stopped I asked if he would let me play a set in return for a cig. He agreed, and the next half hour was great. I was too drunk to play anything really good, so basically stuck to Glycerine - Bush and Wonderwall - Oasis. And people gave me money! Ohh yeah! And said hey and crap! God bless you wellington, you all though I was a street bum. And you know, for one glourious half hour, I was.
Then I had a kebab and went home. The kebab was good.

In other news, on sunday I spent $50 dollars on groceries. I havent spent that much money on edibles since I have been in wellington. Avocardo is good. Then I spent $20 on wine. Wine is good. But I haven't drunken my two bottles yet. No. I am starting a wine celler. In my closet. Although I am proably going to have one bottle tonight. It is a Auzzie Shiraz that needs to be drunk, but the Merlot from Hawkes Bay can be kept for another year. Woo!

And tommorow I get paid. Does life get any better?
No. No it does not.

Buddah

You know, the last week has been one of the best of my life. I have been ridiculously happy. Tapping me fingers, listning to music, watching 22 episodes of scrubbs in bed while eating cookies, playing some good games of pool, drinking, working, getting drunk, eating, being drunk at work, doing some school work, doing some writing, doing some sleeping. It has been oh so very good.
Usually when I have a really good day, I know that a really bad day is just around the corner. But now, for five days solid, I have been happy. I have been glad to be alive. I have enjoyed the sun. I have enjoyed the rain. It just does not matter what happens, I can find away of going along with it, and even if it is something unfortunate, like blogger deciding suddenly that I could only type in ariabic (see yesterdays post title) I have been able to find a way of looking at it from the outside and laughing it away. Cause it was pretty funny. I fall over? To a casual passer by it must have been hilairous.
So I have come to a conclusion. I have obtained spiritial enlightenment.
yup. I am fuckin buddah. I am the dali lama, I am life incarnate. I am master of zen. Life is fucin great, and I have it inside me. Take the good with the bad. live life to the full. If I wan't to get drunk, great. Want to stay in bed all day? Great. I even want to go to school. &am is a great time to wake up. I am a bubbling fountain of life and energy, and I don't think it will go away.

I just hope my body lasts as long as my life does.

لإاثو صاشف فاث بعؤن؟

You know, the point of this blog is pretty much to record my life so that, because my memory is shot full of holes, I can remember it. Every now and then, however, I do something that I am not too sure about recording. like last night. Oh well, fuck it. The Immortal adventures of Flan live on! I hope my parents never find this.

As we all know, I am an alcoholic. It's fun, but it costs a fuck load of money. So last night, after I finished work, I picked up 18 bottles of Tui and went around to my freinds house. They live up a mountain. Ever tried carring 18 bottles of beer up a mountain? It helps if you drink them.
Anyhoo. Got there. Had a beer. What do I find? My freinds had won a fucin TUI FRIDGE. Its orange. It is godly. It is stocked with beer. We lit it from underneath anbd took photos. My resolve not to drink too much so that work might be bearable went out the window.
We went to town. We were drunk.
First stop- JJ Murphys, For some drunken pool.
Second stop- The big Kumera, for some drunken hitting on first years.
Third stop- shooters, more hitting on first years
Fourth stop- back to the kumera. Boy are we sad.
Fifth stop- Mermaids.
Now, if you don't know this, mermaids is a strip bar. All stripping, all the time. You kinda feel a bit, you know, dirty going into a place like that, but hey, it's not as though these people were forced into prostitution while fourteen or anything. So me and my two friends stayed untill 3am, drinking the night away. I... well, I got a lap dance. And you know, it was pretty good. Yup. Hey, I'm single. I can do these things. No law against it, is there?

Stop looking at me like that.

Bullet-points

-finsihed work

-going drinking

-going to town

-going back to work

-FUN!

nah, nah nah....

Whoo, another tuesday, and life is fine! Life is good, the sun is shining (or it was a moment ago...smoko time, perhaps.) Last night I was drunk, and that was good too. It was a freind of mine's 20th b-day, and so I turned up at her house with a bottle of vodka in my hand and two jugs of tui in my belly. We drank the vodka watching 'Bridget Jones' dairy'. I think someone should make a film about my blog. My crazy drunken antics would surely be a hit at the box office!
Because some people will watch anything.

Well, this morning I had work. And I was still slightly intoxicated. But the good kind of intoxication, the kind where even though you might have to think a little harder about what you are doing you don't mess up and it doesn't hurt, the kind of intoxication where your empty glass does indeed taste as good as the punch. So I got to talk to people and hang out and enjoy life and get paid for it. Getting paid is great. It will be even better when I actually get my first paycheck. Yum.
So now it is off for a quick pint or two, and then home. Tommorow is a big day of working, so I had better get some sleep. and beeer helps me sleep.

The title of this post means nothing whatsoever, by the way.

I'm a naughty boy

This morning, my 18+ card arrived. Now I can finnaly prove that I am over 18! The big fuck-off beard wasn't enough, apparently, but now I can go to bars.... sweet sweet bars. Where the drunk happens.
So I have done a bad thing. I got my overdraft extended by $500.
I SWEAR, I swear that once my first paycheck comes through I will pay it back and go back to my $1500 limit. I swear.
But now I have bought a $105 textbook which I sorely needed, and of course, a purchace like that needs a helpful jug of tui to let the nausea go away. Sweet sweet nausea.
But honestly, this week I am working from 8am every day and as I do not like serving double sout soy cappachino's to idiots while hung over, I will not be drinking too much.
This weekend, however, my good freinds who live up a mountain are having their 'official' flatwarming, this being about the third flatwarming that they have had. So I will surprise them all by turning up with my own alcohol purcased, by me. I am thinking that a visit from the pixie might be in order. And then I will go to town.

May the Pixie be with us, always.

ohh...

Last night I went drinking. Apparently I drank too much, because today there is no money in my account. Only enough to just pay the rent today. In fact, after today, I will be over overdrawn. This is a very difficult thing to do, in where you go over your overdraft limit, but not by enough for the bank to hit you with a $25 dishoner fee. Still, me budget is god damn tight. I will get some money next week so as I can pay next weeks rent and my insurance, and all should be just fine. But there is always the chance that Greenpeace will take mony out of my account to feed the whales, and then I will be fucked.

So fingers crossed guys.

This weekend I have to start my assignments. This process will be helped by the fact that I have no money to buy me the alcohol. Still, I am hoping to be able to tutor a guy who works at eastside in the mysteries of shakesphere in exchange for free beer. That would be good. But apart from that, my sober life starts now, and will proably last the better part of two weeks. I expect it to be like a horrible waking dream from which there is no escaping.

I am not sorry that I drank copiously laast night, however. Not sorry at all.

Soy FUCKIN mocca

Well, just finished off three hours of work this morning. Morning shifts are good, because it doesn't really get busy untill about an hour before I leave. Stupid coffee drinkers. I got asked for all sorts of ridiculous stuff today.
But now I have three hours of classes. At least I am sitting down in them. Me feet hurt.
And then, EASTSIDE! The bar staff have been worried about me. They haven't seen me in 24 hours... and I cannot dissapoint my bar staff. They are lost without me.

BEER!

First day.

Today was my first day at work. at the cafe. where in my last post, I said I was working. DOES ANYBODY READ THIS?
Anyway, I now work in a cafe. On campus. It is good, because it is not far away from where I sleep. It's good.
So I turn up there, and get the quick lowdown on what I am going to be doing. They said
Boss Person: 'Hey this is your till. You press these buttons.' Boss person made a quick hand guesture.
Me: 'Ummm...'
Boss person: 'Then you take tehre money. Money goes in here!'
Me: 'Oh, all right.'
Boss Person: And if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.'
Me:' Well, actually...'
But boss person had gone.
I had a few hours grace of looking at the till blankly and figuring things out in my head. Then it was 10am, and a horde of people came in. a hungary horde. All wanting food, but apparently, all unable to read.
Hungry Hoarde: HOW MUCH DO THIS COST?
Me: Im not sure, does it have a lable?
Hungry Horde: DO IT LOOK I BE READING IT! NOT PAID TO? HOW MUCH?
Me: Money? I'll just ask someone...'
Hungary Horde: ME FOOD NOW HURGH!
And so it went on, non stop, for about four hours, untill I point-blank kamehameha'd the next person who asked for a 'double trim soy latte bowl'. Unfortunately, that person turned out to be Brolly. All chaos ensured. Luckilly, at 3pm Neo arrived, beat the fuck out of brolly and made coffee. My saviour. And Harry Potter was arrested. But thats another rant.

But seriously, working wasn't too bad. I only have one 9 hour day, and any other time I have to work it is on;y for three hours. Next week I get to work 20 hours. By my calculation that means I will have A THOUSAND DOLLARS by next pay day.

Now I am off home to soak my feet in meths. Then I shall drink the meths. Then it all begins again.

The fourth sign of the apocolapse

I HAVE A JOB!
What, you say? Flan, a job? Flan, alcoholic extrodinare, gutter drunk and generally all round unreliable guy? Someone hired that bearded, evil smelling, good for nothing, spawn of bitches, gooey looking...
All right, you do not need to rub it in. But yes, it is true. after 2 years of SWEET FUCK ALL, I have returned to the giving people for money industry. YAY! I have ten hours of work on wednesday, and three on thursday. By my figuring, that comes to THIRTEEN BOTTLES OF WINE a week.
EXCUSE THE CAPS. Booze makes me excited. At this rate i might be abole to acheive my life's goal - enough money for a bottle of wine a night, AND enough for some food! Wow! I am a king! A god amoungst men! I wash dishes for a living!
I am so fucking celebrating at eastside tonight. Fuck my previous resolution, I copped out yesterday anyway.

My life becomes completed!

alcohol is a DRUG!

Today, to celebrate my desicion not to drink untill my 18+ arrives, I spent a bit of time at the ALAC website, finding out how much a drinking habit will cost me in the long term. Awnser - CANCER! Apparently, drinking gives you cancer, all aver the place.
And then I did a small 'Are you drinking too much' quiz. They told me I should be dead. Anyway...
So that is this weeks goal - no drinking, at all. I was going to make my weeks goal 'paint every one of my nails a different color', but it only took me one day. People are apparently very disposed to give a strange man their nail plolish.
Meanwhile, on saturday night...
I went to a party in NEWTOWN. I should know by now that NEWTOWN holds nothing but dissapointment. I had my cutomary bottle of wine and went off, carrying my back up bottle. The party didn't start of too badly, with fire works and stuff, but then there was a horde of first years.
Some things about first years:
1/They don't drink, but still seem to enjoy life, when we all know that this should not be the case.
2/ The alcohol they do buy is expensive. Twenty-four pack of Tattoo (a vodka and cranbreei RTD)? Fuck, that is about $35! I remember the time I used to care how my alcohol tasted, having bicardi and the like, but we soon grow out of that.
3/ When you steal their alcohol, they will case you! Most people don't care, or are too drunk, but when I tried to leg it with a bottle of Jack Daniels, the guy ran after me! My god, the speed! That didn't save him, however, because after 1/2 hour I went right back in their and nicked it again. HAH! I didn't like the guy, because he made stupid jokes.
So that was my night. The hangover was glorious, one of the best I have every had. No headache, no puking, just brilliant calm. I love my life.

The CRC COUNTDAWN is now over. I still have a little money left, but from now on I am pretty much scraping along as I always have done. JOY!

The fun resides within!

Last night i was, DRUNK! Yes, just like every night. But this time was a little difference. I had a few people to keep me company! Usually, while drinking, I keep to myself - extreemly to myself, projecting a little anti-social feild around me, as you do in lectures and so forth, and sit at an empth table bopping my head leasurly to the music and staring in my amber.
but last night there was a hypnotist who was very entertaining, and after the person who saw that with me left, another two people came and sat with me. These people onle have a very slight knowledge of me, being the people who are the freinds of the flatmate who replaced me when I moved out of spasm's flat. But we soon found out that we had alot in common, and drank the night away, copiously.
I am still drunk, I beleive. I had twice my average amount of jugs of tui last night, so I have a right to be. The fun resides within me.

COUNTDON OF THE COSTS!
$109
At the moment, it is a matter of trying to save $45 dollar for a couple of weeks, so that when my ID comes, I can buy a bottle of absinthe.

seven different pains

Last night, I went to a gig! It was Elmeno P, Foamy ed and The Tali-band. That last one made me laugh, and since it cost only ten dollars, me thoughts said, 'URRGRAH WHY JSHN NOT?' because I was drunk.

But I liked Foamy Ed. I thought it was great. All girl punk band? I likes the punk, but usually all-girl groups, or 'vagina bands' as I like to call them, get on my nerves. Becuase, to get a group of decient musicians together you usually have to be pretty indiscriminant of sex, and so to have four or five girls on stage means that it is proably more of a gimmick aimed at either a) appealing to men b) appealing to women who like that 'girl power' crap or c) both. Going for a gimmick like that usually means that the music will be of a worse quality than it usually would be.

But Foamy Ed were good. DISTORTION! It was great to hear a band play some old school punk styles without crying about their dead freind. Emo is Punk's malformed and booze retraded offspring. The music was just about drinking beer and doing not much. Even the Tali-band were alll right. But then came Elemno P. And I left.
Because, since they are such massive stars and what not, they had to bring on their own drum kit.
Screw waiting around for that. The crowd was pretty pumped after the Foamy ed set, and then they played 'Enter sandman' through the PA. Good choice. People singing along. Then 'Boheminan Rhapsody'. Then "Smells like teen spirit.' Then some shit by scribble.
And the drums still wern't set up.

So I went home. I have sleeping to do, and the waiting around had killed my booze buzz. Today I woke up after a good nights sleep, for a change, and am in seven types of agony, my body not being used to the rigors of drunken moshing.

CRC COUNTDOWN!
$150.
FUCK! almost out of money. But today I am going to get a job. At the uni, no less, which means I don't have to go anywhere. And my mum put $50 into my account today.
But still. The end is near.

Crapulence

Yup, it's a real word. Meaning: To feel like crap, usually because of the ingestion of substances.
Well, pretty much. I am not a walking dictionary. Obviously. Go look it up for yourself.
But I feel like crap. But not because of me drinking habit. No, not at all. I feel like crap because the sleep is not happening for me.
Usually I will go home and fall asleap between the hours of 8 and 10, then wake up between the hours of 8 an 10, feeling fresh as a fresh thing and smelling like fresh fish, to have a shower, eat some yoghurt and face a new day full on with all my might. Or with at least as much might as i can be bothered fulling.
But for the last few days, my sleep has been like this.
Get to sleep between hours of 8 and 10.
Wake up at about 12.
Stay awake, unable to sleep because of involuntary twitching, untill 5am.
Wake up again at 8, when my flatmate gets up.
FEEL LIKE POOS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
I don't like feeling poos. Do you like feeling poos? I do not.
So I am going to the doctors today to see if I can go on the sleeping pills.

Now, If you haven't been on the sleeping pills before, then I shall tell you a bit about them now. They are a very interesting thing.
You take a tablet, bout half the size of a panadol, about half an hour before you want to sleep. Then, no matter what you are doing, BAM! Comatown, and you are mayor. Somone could shoot you in the face and you still wouldn't wake up. About nine hours later, when you do wake, it dosen't seem like you have slept. You cannot remember your dreams, but nine hours of your life has dissapeared. You don't feel particularly rested, but neither do you feel like crap.
And so, your days meld into one long adventure where you don't see any night. After a while, you don't know what time of day it is, let alone what day of the week.

Looking forward to it. (Sarcasm).

CRC COUNTDOWN:
$257

university revolutions

No, I don't mean revolutions in the form of VIVA LOS WHATEVER, I mean, that it is all begining again. All the lectures, all the homework, all the readings, all the tutorials, all the people, all the poos. so much poos. I must train my bladder again to contain itself for hours at a time. This might seem easy for most of you, but I have the bladder the size of a walnut. A small walnut.
But enough about my oblutions. Me classes themselves seem like a good time, although they all do for the first week or two, just untill the period in which you can withdraw from class ends. Then the university, which is run by the dark lord satan, exchanges your fun and interesting lecturor who prepares for easch lecture with interesting and helpful powerpoints with an elderly man who seaks like he is prophesising doomsday through a long metal tube and you can only really hear him when his suddenly says : 'You, the boy in the black tee-shirt who smells like poo and cigaretts! What is your opinion on [insert term you have never heard of before]?'
Well, English is still better than Law, where if you sit in the wrong seat, they shoot you.

VIVA LOS UNIVERSITY!

CRC COUNTDOWN!
$320. But I am off to eastdie now. BWAHAHA!

This txt is for your love!

Saturday was an interesting night. As you know, avid readers of my blog, I was planning on going to a dress up party. For those of you who could not guess, I went as a pediophile. My costume was theirfore a trench coat, a hole-filled tee-shirt and a large head of a stuffed bear, which I used as a hat. Pockets filled with candy, myself and my two freinds went off to the party, each with a bottle of wine in us.

Warning: Do not leave alcohol around me. Ever. But especially when I am durnk. So don't leave alcohol around me ever.

At the party I consumed another bottle of red wine. My lips were, and still are, rather stained. You think wine stains are hard to get out of the carpet? You cannot put bleach in you mouth. Well, you can, but you die.
Anyway, I then entertained a few people with my briliant wit and stole a couple of bottles of beer, then played limbo and stole half a bottle of vodka. Then I went outside and got into a fight.
I now have a slightly brusied eye, a couple of scrapes and a bad knee, but as they say, you should have seen the other guy.
And witnesses tell me that the patch of concrete that I head-butted was taught a lesson it will not soon forget.
Anyway, then I stagered around a bit, finaly comming to rest at the top of Aro St at about 1am, where I coma'd. Luckilly for me, some kind hearted people weere passing and roused me enough to call me a taxi to take me home. I cannot imagine what I must have looked like. A man, in a trench coat and an inadequate tee-shirt, face covered in bloodlying in the gutter. Thanks guys. I would not have touched someone who looked like me with a pole.

You would think my adventure endith there. BUT NO! The is no reason in the mind of drunk Flan! After the Taxi driver dropped me off at my gate and I paid him, I then decided I was hungry and trouped off into the city to order myself a big mac and a big mac combo. They tasted good.
Then I decided to Txt people.
1.59am : I like you. My txt is for your love! :)!
2.07am : That might have seeming weird, but I think you understand.
2.10 : I am sorry.
I am sorry. dear god. Luckilly, my phone saves my outgoing messages so that when I woke up, on a bench on the plimmer steps, at 6am, I could text and apologise to the recipetent in question.

So all in all, It was a very satisfying end to my week long binge.
BINGE WEEK STATISTICS!
9 Jugs of tui
6 Pints of beer
3 bottles of wine
6 wiskey drys
1 absinthe shot
1/2 botlle of vodka
1 vodka matini
1 vodka lemonade
? bottles of stolen beer.
Fuck I enjoy life. And It all starts again this week! Well, perhaps not so much. But now, what you have been waiting for-

COURSE RELATED COSTS COUNTDOWN!
How much money do I have left?
$349
I think that could be worse, honestly.

Double post friday!

Thats right! Twice the flan-tastic exctiement today, to commemerate the fact that I cannot get on the intranet druring the weekend.
What I have planned:
The drinking has already started today, but soon I will be going to the bar that lives in the libary. It is odd that there is a bar in the libary, but just because you are too geeky to go outside doesn't mean you don't like to drink as well. Pleasure and fun abound!
After that I am going to Newtown, the suburb that is hady for nowhere, to listen to beatnicks do their poetry thing. More drinking. Perhaps I shall even amaze them all with my amazing talet at writing amazing poems and amazingly recite one of those amazing poems! No of this 'I am off to perform my poetry' clicking fingers bollocks. Bleeding heart emos abound!
Tommorow: You guessed it! DRINKING ABOUND! There is a dress up party at a freinds house in the most aro of valleys. The costume specifications is that your dress must start with 'p'. My freinds are going as 'poos' and 'perpetual motion'. I'll give you a cookie if you can guess what I am dressing up as! Clue: It starts with 'p'! Abound!
Sunday: I am proably due for a hangover sometime soon, so sunday will be spent getting over it. Should be a shocker!

so there we have it. I hope you have as much fun and excitement planned as I do. Pleasant whatevers! ABOUND!

How am I still alive?

Yesterday, as I was just starting my second jug of tui at eastside, I got a text message.

Mr X: You comming to Bodega tonight?
Me: Why, whats on at Bodega?
Mr X: All the writing group are getting together for a nightcap.

Yes, 'Nightcap' was the word used. The message should have read 'we are getting together to OBLITERATE YOUR LIVER!

So yesterday I had:
Four wiskey drys
Three Pints of Beer, Black
Three Pints of Beer, Ale
Two Jugs of Tui
A glass of red wine
And, to finish off the night good and proper we all had *drumroll* a shot of absinthe.

Yes, the green pixie was with us all last night. The good old green pixie.
But, Remarkably, on the fifth day of my week long binge fest I am feeling pretty good. I don't know if the can of tuna for breakfast was a good idea.

COUNTDOWN OF THE COSTS!
As you may have guessed, my bank account is now a fuckload emptier.
Today : $455.
Oh crap.

It's raining cats and

GLASS! Goddamn you best appreciate me trudging uphill in a frenzied shower of ICE COVERED ROCKS to tell you all about my amzing and briliant life. I woke up this morning, at 8am, an the sun was shining merrily, so I went back to bed. I get up again at eleven. Sun is shining. Wash the dishes. Sky is blue. Have a shower. The cicadias are chirping away with the desperate nature of thouse who want to get laid before they die tommorow. I walk outside in a thin tee-shirt I pilfered from a freind of mine and HELL FREEZES OVER AND THEN IS DROPPED ON ME. IN SHARP PEICES.

anway, Eastside opens soon. Sweet wiskey will be my mistress today!

COST COUNTDOWN!
Today: $783
Whats this! My funds have gone up? NO! This is my rent money from studylink. It goes away tommorow.
Money I actually have: $533
Sweet mercy fuck! What the hell did I drink yesterday? Well, time to go find out!

the days before uni

Only four more days untill uni starts! Only 96 more hours untill the back breaking strees of 11am classes start!
HAH!
If I haven't said it before, then I will say it now. I pity you if you are taking a law degree. I pity you if you are taking a Design degree. Science or Accounting degree? You get my pity. If you are taking a Theatre degree, you are beyond pity, and floating in an ocean of near-disgust. Pretty much, if you are doing anything EXCEPT english, you are in for a great year. And by great, I mean it would be easyer to be born a jew with dark hair when Hitler was in power.
My course centers around reading books. It's easy. Even for a mediocre reader, this means that you can proably finish a weeks worth of work in two, maybe three nights. None of this brain hemmoraging stress that you get from law, where the students barelyhave time to eat. And even when they eat they are reading. Reading stupid text books that cost $75. and you have to buy a seperate glossary.
This might seem like I am doing nothing but gloat. That is because I am doing nothing but gloat. Gloat gloat gloat.
Have fun with your year, suckers. I'm off to eastside.

COURSE RELATED COSTS COUNTDOWN!
Today: $597.14
I should be able to save some money today because I got up later than usual. This means I might not buy lunch here.

why do you hate me?

And why did eastside close at five yesterday? i was just getting into the swing of things. Perhaps today they will realise that this week is the only week when nobody has any work and everyone has money and stay open longer.

FLAN'S COURSE RELATED COURSE THEMOMETER!
On tuesday, my course related costs arrived, so now I am going to keep an online recored of how much I have spent! I spent $500 in three days the last time I had any money, but you will be pleased to see that I have been doing better this time. watch out for updates at the end of each post!

Tuesday: $1000
Monday: $685
Today: $618

Today I have to buy some more refill and some batteries. And lunch. I am also debating weather to get myself a gym membership, but I am thinking this will be a waste of money. Do you?

Alcoholic Pudding

Yesterday my grandparents came to welington, and so they shouted me a meal at a restruant called 'Hazel'. It costs alot, but it was very nice. The main reason it was nice, me thinks, is because of all the booze they put into everything. There was one course that I had that did not have booze in it, and that was the galic bread.
But they saved the best till last. I had white chocholate rum buree with drunk fruits and a hot chocholate that had so much hazelnut liquour in it the spoon stood by itself.
so I have decided to be a dessert drunk. It's a briliant idea, good food, and you are sober for most of the day, but just when people are thinking, 'oh thank god Flan was sober enough to put on pants today' you say, 'perhaps I'll just have something else' and BAM! You reserve yourself a place in the nearest gutter and head off to the fats.

Sometimes I love my life.

but now I am at university. Again. At 9 am. Again. This is because today is the first day of "Oreintation '06 lolzorzs". So I have to do alot of things before all the first years make the halls sticky. And then I shall wait untill eastside opens.

Whos bright idea was it to put a bar on campus? Satan tempts me. I have no will.

Wellington night life

Fun fun fun in your bum! Back in wellington, so I had to celebrate last night. With BEER! It's a meal in a can apparenly. All the goodness of a loaf of bread with thrice the alcohol content!
Then myself and another three freinds went around wellington, trying to get into bars and shouting 'Matt Damion' at people. I gave a man who has hitting buckets with a stick ten cents.

In other news, uni is comming back to life again. With first years. They are easy to spot, because of all the supree they are wearing. They are hanging around, trying to work the computers, reading their notes for classes that they will proably stop going to after a week of drunken excess. It's almost cute. They seem to think it all matters.

But we know differently now, don't we?

Dinner invitation

It worked! A brazen act without much tact has worked it's charm without much harm! (I'm a poet, ect.) Yup, I have a dinner date, I suppose, and it fells good.
You reading this, my welly friends? Remember all those times I have said 'come on, go talk to them, what have you got to lose?' and you would reply 'My dignity' or 'The use of my limbs' or even 'control over my bladder'? Well, perhaps not the last one. But still, the lesson is there. We aren't getting any younger, (it's fun being 20 and saying that), and so we must become men of action.

In other news, I am going back to wellington tomorrow. I was supposed to be on the bus right now, but my grandmother invited me to dinner, so I postponed my return. I will proably be chowing down on some sort of a roast tonight. Or perhaps even fresh fish. The best thing about dining with my grandparents, however, is that they know wine. They have a wine cellor. It is in their closet. But the wine they serve is always suited to the meal and beautiful. So very very good wine.

So I go on the bus tommorow.

Valentines idea of a joke.

So today my money arrived into my account. Unfortunately, because of a promise I made to whatever, I then had to send a Valentine to someone.
This may not seem like a very logical sequence of events, but I am sure that you know realise that life doesn't have to be very logical.
This is the first Valentine I have sent. To someone I am not in a relationship with. The fun of it all. Thank you study link, for only getting yourself into action when there is probable chance for my own public humiliation. This, I think, is further proof that studylink is run by Satan or perhaps even Hitler.
But it is better to have tried and failed, ect. What is the worst that could happen?

A can of mace to my face, I suppose.

Thank you studylink!

"What is that? My money will be in my account two weeks before the start of my course? Because I really need that money. If there is any doubt that the money wont be there, please tell me and I will make other arragements. No? It will be there? Good, because, as I have expressed, I really really need that money. On monday. Yup. Thank you."

Yes, thank you study link, for being complete and utter wankers. Monday is today, but alas, my money is not here. The money that I need to buy my mothers birthday present. The money I need to pay my rent. The money better get here really, really soon.

So, that's my monday well and truly fucked.

In other news, I believe I am sweating the alcohol I have consumed in the last week from my pores at night. My god was list night a sweaty, sticky experiance. Sticky and smelly. I don't think I have ever sweated so much in my life. You can stop reading now if you want. Because sweat is yuck.

The fun is inside me. Or will be. Once I get my money.

Between the sheets

Last night I went to a 21st. It was a costume party, and I wnt as a Roman senator thing. Hah! Thats where the sheet referance came in! You thought it was going t obe much more exciting, didn't you?
Well, It was quite a good night. The person whose 21st it was is actually an ex-girlfriend of mine from probably five years ago now, so I must confess that I was a little sceptial of things. I didn't wan't to be hanging around like the skeleton out of his closet, a pink elephant eating all the food. But All was well. We share alot of mutual friends, many of whom came to the C.H.B. especially for this party, and a good time was had by all meeting and reminising about the ole times and catching up, epecially as some of us haddn't seen each other for over two years.
Usually reminising makes me quite depressed, but the special thing about last night was that this didn't happen. Before we went our seperate ways I spent mostly all of my first and a good amout of my second form years with these people, and hearing about all the good times an dactually having stimulus for me to recall the good times was very interesting. My memory is shot, badly, so remembering anything in any detail from a specific period in my life was kind of like being more complete than often.
My internal editor is telling me that I am not making much sense, but I don't care. It was a strange and nice experiance.

So have fun for the next whenever, thanks for the party and I wish you all the best.

The green fairies

HOLY SHIT!! It is the way to explain last night. There was a bottle of cheap wine, of my own bringing, a bottle of zambuca. And the ,there was a bottle of absinthe. Holy holy shit. I drank half the bottle. I am very very drunk. Right now I am drunk. For fourty five dollars a bottle of 72% booze is a very good purchace.

You can tell that absinthe is not a normal drink after you have your first glass. We were cutting it with water, three parts water for ever part absinthe, but three minutes after I had finished my first half glass (It tases like liquorice and is very easy to drink) I felt it's effects. I am not, as you may have realised, and easy drunk. So I then decided to hide it under a willy wonka hat in a bedroom.

The most fun was buying the stuff. I went into the local liqour store and found the stuff, and then aproached the counter.
"Hey there, (Name Suppresed). I haven't seen you in a long time." Luckily I knew the person who was working at the counter.
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while." The person at the counter didn't know who I was.
"Can Isplit the payment for this?" I said, handing over the bottle of green death.
She said "Sure. What are you studying in welly?"
I Said, as I reached behind me for the eftpos card of the underage person that was supling half the money for the absinthe, 'I am going to be a teacher."
She said "thats cool". Her eyes said, you are blatantly supplying pubesants with a substance that is banned in most countries. This is a fucked up situation.

I said, 'Yes, yes it is." Thanked her and walked out.

Party central hawkes bay

Well, what do you know it, but I have only been back in waipukurau on night and already I have been invited to TWO parties. This isn't too uncommon in welly, but in waipuk this is a new world record. Also, Waipukurau has the added bonus of being a hell of a lot smaller than welly so the walking is less. Less walking equals more drunk. But then again, waipuk has more stabbings. And 'P'. We are the 'P' capital of NZ, apparently.

Anyway, 'P' aside, me and my good freind Mr. $9 bottle of wine are going to meet up with a few old school mates. One still lives here because he is not old enough to leave, but the other has left, and gone to Auckland. AHAHAHA!

Times should be fun and the drink should be plentiful, I shall be intoxicated and the couch will be lumpy. Story of my life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

AUCKLAND! AHAHAHAHA!

The bus sucks donkey

I hate the bus.

I had no music to listen to on the bus.

I had no book to read on the bus.

I had to listen to a man make racial slurs on the bus.

And talk about politics.

I hate the bus.

In the wai-puk-of-A.

Today I go back to Waipukurau, hometown and place of sweet boredom.
Why you ask? Why go to your one streeted hometown where that one street is lined with incoherant bumbs who never got out of waipuk and plus they all smell like poos? Why go back to Waipuk when the Fringe festival, the festival packed with the theartre and even some free stuff, is about to start?

Because of my endless ANGST!

Oh, I be the angsty right now. I hate wellington. I hate hills. I hate wind. I hate my flat. Yesterday, My flatmate saw that I had left a gum wrapper on the carpet. A little gum rapper. That she could have picked up and put in the bin. But no, she left it there for a day. To see if I would put it in the bin. I didn't. Because I didn't see it. And I didn't se it because it was partially covered by a rug. And it was a gum wrapper. A very, very small gum wrapper.
This might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I have just moved out of a flat where we once spent three weeks living in our own filth because we were too drunk to care. I enjoy being too drunk to care. Looking over my own shoulder and critising everything I do annoys the fuck out of me. I need FREEDOM! LET ME BE FREE!

so I am going back to waipuk so that I get bored shitless and when I return everything will be hunky-dory. Also, I should have some money by then. And an 18+ card.

Also, It be my mothers birthday soon.

What am I doing?

I woke up at three am last night after an interesting dream based loosely on 'Catch 22'. It was about one Major's quest to find out why everything was so very strange.
Then I stayed awake. I have been awake for 6 hours, and have read a novel. What have you done with your day, huh?
I went to have coffee at a cafe yesterday and it was strangely depressing. I had people to talk to, and lively disscussions to follow instead of mindless and unimportaint small talk. But I think it was because my latte was served in a glass. God invented mugs for a reason. So that my fingers would not get burnt while drinking my caffenated beverage. Why don't people listen to god anymore?
So today I am doing nothing. Might check out sjs and see if they have any jobs going. Might go back to be.

How much might could a might hound hoof?

Holy holy holy

BOOZE!
I have had the equivalent of 9 bottles of wine in the past week! Considering the fact that I was only drinking for three nights, I am rather impressed.
I played alot of limbo. Now my back hurts. And twister. Now everything hurts. And Circle of death. My Innards hurt. And 'shot races'. My innards hurt more. And 'Eat the half a cabbage'. That also affected me. Badly.

Anyway, now I am free for two weeks! More drinking abound! When I get money, of course.

...And stuff I did do.

Boy howdy have I spent alot of money. But it has all been on good, helpful and educational things.
Right then. so I bought Tekken 5 and the Fooly Cooly box set, Two bottles of wine and brunch at B4. So really I am quite pleased with my effort. No hookers.
But anyway, now to rant about my new purchases!

Tekken 5 - it has been about half a year since I rented this game and unlcked all the characters, so I thought, what the hey, I'll delete my save, leave the round count on two instead of one (customary to beat things quick) and up the difficulty level. I had, obviously, forgotten about one or two things.
a) This game is a but load faster than Tekken 4. It's almost as bad as playing 'Marvel vs. Capcom'. If you are new to this game, GO TO PRACTICE MODE FIRST! Otherwise you will be pummelled into oblivion in the first round.
b) Jinpachi is a cheating fuck. I had forgotten that the boss of tekken 5 can kill you in ONE MOVE. And if you have to beat him twice in a row it makes it that much harder. Half his move set is unblockable too.
But apart from that, Tekken 5 rules. Better grapics, better movement, and you can customize characters costumes.

Fooly Cooly - The anime seris in which a young boy gets hit in the head with a bass guitar. Then robots come out of him. Not fun for all the family, there are some parts in which this seris gets completly fubbed. Fubbed to the power of ten. But it be the fun.

What else be happening to me? I have a dinner to go to tonight. My creative writing course is so very close to being finished, so all in the class are going out for a nice dinner together, then out for drinks. i like drinks, I like them alot.

Only 7 hours to impale until then.

So that is it, I suppose.

I am single.
It's been a long time comming folks. Three years, or there abouts. But now there is no other half for Flan.
I am the half eaten pudding in the cheese conpartment of my soul.
That is proably the biggest news that I will ever have for a little while. It will proably take a little while for the news to sink in. I don't know what single people do anymore. It was easy when I was attached, all I had to do was sit in my room and resist earthly temptations. But now...
Well, at least i got $500 today. When I say 'got', I mean 'extended my overdraft by'. But it's not going to stop me spending it on cask wine. No siree.

Off to do stuff to things.

Grey skies

Back I am at the university. The sky is grey by no rain is falling. Wind whistles though hornbeam trees like a summer coloured sigh...

*Ahem*

Egad! I do not have any I.D. I haven't for about a year. But it seems to be only now that I can no longer purchase alcohol, open bank accounts, prove my identity or find my house key. It is at times like these I beleive in God again. Haha God, very funny indeed.
see, it is only 10am, and yet I have failed in all my endevours this morning AND the intranet has crashed on me four times. well, no one has noticed that I havent been charged for any usage yet, so we will just keep that to ourselves.

I have to do writing stuff, but I don't think my brain is consice enough yet. ll the bunnies is what I see.

Faithful minions

I don't have a computer. So I had to wait untill uni was open before I could post blog. Blog. Yup.

I have been up to much stuff since we last came together my freinds. I am, for the beginning, no longer sleeping on the floor of any room. I am now sleeping on a matress, on a bed base. You would think this would make me happy, but I am filled with annoyance. The bed is hard, and to small for my muscle bound bulk. The matress it too short and my legs fall out the bottom and on the sides. And my pillow is lumpy.
I do have my own room now, complete with guitar and comfy chair, wardrobe that I do not have to sleep in and my playstation. I played a game of Tekken 4 to see if I was still the OMG p0wn4g3 m45t3r and I was, so that was boring.
Again, I have no money.
On friday I got really really drunk and walked through a scary park to fall asleap on a couch. The party was in brooklin. If you do not know about the wellington aera, then all you need to know is this: Brookin is uphill. It is uphill from everywhere. It is a mountain, and my freinds live on top of it. I stole their cutlery.

I have finished me (hopefully) final draft of me first story for my folio that is to be handed in friday. Now all I have to do is type it up.

Or, of couse, I could procrastinate more.

The five steps of lonley

Woo, me some good yes! Yesterday was the most hellishly boring experiance I have had in quite some time. (I am writing about yesterdays for now because I am sleeping in the living room and my flatmate gets up at 7am. Good ole 7am. 7am is proof that god was on crack.) I did not much. I was supposed to be re-editing me writen things for a folio, but instead I sat and looked at the wall and cronicled my process of being lonley.

There are five steps that everyone passes through when they have nothing to do:
Step one: Boredom. If you weren't sleeping on the lounge floor you would go back to bed.
Step two: Depression. It is raining outside and you start to list all your freinds that you cannot be bothered visiting.
Step Three: Agitation. You pace around the room and lip sync muted informercials.
Step Four: Crazy. You go outside in the rain that is comming in sideways and buy a subway footlong.
Step Five: Coffee. You medicate yourself with caffeen untill someone arrives or you die.

And that was my day. I did watch Enter the Dragon and another movie called 'Versus', where an escaped convict finds himself in a forrest where the dead turn into Zombies. It was really just an excuse for blood and brain bits, but it made me laugh lots and good. Those crazy Japanese.

Of to eat rice and peas - nature's excuse for sustinance.

Living off of flooring

I HAVE MOVED!
At the last minute I decided it was going to be easyier to move into an already establised flat rather than suffer anymore indignity at the hands of the 'we screw you for money' realting agecies. Unfortunately, the rent here is a little steeper than I had hoped ($35 dollars a week more expensive, actually... that is seven bottles of 'passion pop' a week!) but it is right intownand next to the uni and it means that I didn't have to move a desk that is begger than my bed. Two thumbs up!

Now I have fnished class as well, which means I have three glorious weeks of nothing to do inside. This is the first time in a year that I will be able to relax without the guilt of the work I am not doing. So me and my metric ton of coffee are going to stay indoors and watch bruce lee movies and read lots. Lots and lots and lots.

And now that I found out how to use this computer, I will once again be able to terriorize the internal netted comunity with my drunken ramblings! Won't that be fun?

festival of expletives

God [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] and [buzz] [buzz]ing [buzz] flat finding!

It is that time of the year! I will have no where to live next monday, and if I do find a residence, I have no way to get my things there!
Add to the delightful mix of beauty and happiness hugs the fact that I have no money and no booze. Over the next seven days i have to pack my life into boxes, find a house, and unpack it all again. all while studing. some things are going to get very crumpled.

And in case you didn't know, flat hunting is the most rewarding thing in the world.
'oh, you took an hour out of your day to find walk across town, find this place and walk up the seventy stairs to see me? Im sorry, the flat was let two weeks ago. Why did I leave the noticew in the paper then? Well, I guess it is because I AM SATAN INCARNATE!'

Then the realter breathes fire on you and pushes you down the stairs.

Time waits for booze

Ah, my freinds. I can always rely on them to, when I am supposed to be working, drag me out of the house and force me to spend a night in drunken revelry the effect of which will be felt for another two days. It is a sad fact of life that as you get older hangovers seem to hang around for longer.
But I am not actually all that bed today. I slept on the floor under my trench coat with a towel for a pillow, but after a shower and half a dozen peices of toast I am not to bad. I survived the night with my eyebrows intact.

Tomorow go back to the big city of wellington. This would be good if I haddn't just received a rather nasty surprise. Apraently I only have untill the 19th to move out of the flat. I thought I had untill the 29th. This is not good. Not good at all. I just don't have enough time for everything I need to do.

Where did I put my vodka bottle?

Critical Mass

I am supposed to be reviewing other peoples work, but the good carttons are on. samurai jack starts in five, and then Teen Titans is on. Sometimes I think that I watch too many cartoons. at times like that, I am right. But it isn't my fault, this cartoony adiction. It is a a govenment conspiricy involving [insert pharse here, preferably something to do with mdgets].

speaking of midgets, today there was a show on called 'man vs. beast' where they pitted various different animals against different athletes. A orangutan defeated a sumo wretler at tug-of-war (I still don't know why that game isn't called 'war-of-tug. It makes alot more sense), a navy man beat a chimp on an obsticale course and a zebra destroyed an olympic runner. All of this made sense to me, more or less. But then the logic fell apart when the next match up was announced. It was going to be a competition to see who could pull a boing (that isn't how you spell that is it?)747 twenty meters. Who would win? The bull elephant? Or the forty harnesed midgets?
Midgets in leashes. I would have seen how the match ended if I had not discovered that Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi was on the other channel.

The addiction is mine alone. Anyway, I still have two more days before this stuff is due. Plenty of time.
Plenty.

I remember 2005 like it was only yesterday...

HAH! I love stupid New Years jokes. I say one every year just after the countdown. Like 'oh my god I can't believe it's finaly 1964!' or I look a someones dress and say 'that is soo last year.' Ah. i really don't care if you think it's pathetic. It makes me laugh.

This morning I woke up at 6am without a hangover and finished off my short story. hooray. Hooray indeed. All sixteen pages. In fact, at 5000 words it is the longest thing I have ever written for and university course. Its even longer than the novel I tried to write some time ago. Because the novel only obtained two chapters. Anyway, WOO! Now all I have to do is alot of other stuff. I really shouldn't be doing this, I should be working. But who is going to stop me? The procrastination police? i think knot!

Soon the family is going around to my grandmothers for lunch. Infinate food was fun for the first three days i was back home, but now I am almost getting sick of it. Famous last words. I know that after a week of eating noodle cup slop I will really really want some meat but at the moment I just feel like a glutton. A monstrous, pavlova eating glutton. All the alcohol doesn't help either I am sure.

Only a month until I have to move out of the flat! I hate moving, But if you come back in a couple of posts time I am sure you will hear all about it.

can't get enough of those sugar crisps.

Teh words commeth

...and now they are gone. I have spent twelve hours over the last two days writing furiously, squezing words out of my being like sweat out of pores and like corn out of orifices. It has been none to plesant. Today I have spent much time typing the damn thing up. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that it is shit. It started off alright, with good intentions and a completly realistic frame, but along the way it aquired an imaginary friend, a narcotic main character who is out of touch with reality and a fixation for the colour blue.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I know this is only the early draft stage, but I have to make the decision now as to weather I let it go completly wack or prune it back to it's realistic origins. The middle road of a balance between the two just seems like too much work to sucessfully do before wednesday. Oh well. I will sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

In other news, I watched both the fantastic four movie and ong-bak, a newish martial arts flick. Ong-bak was really good, and very very gravity defying (no wires though!) and the fantastic four movie wasn't as bad as I expected. However, I think they needed to get the shit kicked out of them more before winning.

Well, now I am going to watch the midsummer murder special. That poor old inspector. where ever he goes, someone seems to end up dead. I wish I had his job.

My mum is bathing the dog in the sink. You can't give entertainment like this away!

You smell funny

well, it is proably true. Alot of people do smell funny. You smell funny. I smell funny. Elmo smells funny. We are all just part of one big funny smelling blob. A blob of EVIL!

Well, today I helped clean up the house. I think it is the least I can do since I am eating my parents out of house and home. I have done nothing but eat since I got back from welly. Well, pretty much nothing. I have watched a lot of cartoons. But i haven't done my writing. I still have seven days to go, but I have to start tommorow. I have to. EVIL!

Garlic bread is a good thing. I like garlic bread alot. It may make me smell funny but it tastes damn good. The man who invented things in cans should have been awarded a nobel prize (yes, I know garlic bread doesn't come in cans, this is a completly different tangent). Thik of how difficult our life would be without canned food. We would have to go shopping every two days and would be unable to prepare for the zombie apocolapse. Prepare for the zombies! They come! EVIL!

Well, you get the picture. Anyway, it is past midnight so I had better not eat anything. You know what happens when you feed them after midnight.

Liquor is quicker

Last night I was the drunk. To get drunk was pretty much the only non-work thing on my list of things to do over the christmas break. And now I wonder why. I obviously haven't learnt any lesson from my drinking. It sill makes me feel like testicles, it still makes my money go away. It still makes me fall over.
The worst thing about drinking is the fact that it has far reaching repercussions. I was supposed to be doing stuff today. Now I am not.

There is a pavlova on the bench of my soul.

morning in the crib

AHHH! I found out where all the stupid comes from! satan brews it in his big metal vats, deep below the earth, sends it via courier to Microsoft who then distill it for extra potency and pump it directly into every chat site/engine/MSN/cell phone/crazy frog song ever created. And all to keep us smoking. Dispicable.

In other news, the 18hour mark of awakedness has been surpassed. Soon the good cartoons will be on and I can free myself from this entropy machine. Nothing destroys entropy quicker than Samurai Jack. I wish I had FLCL.

Funyums are not Lugnuts. I think I have some icecream left. All is good in the manger.

Oh beerknuts!

Today it be christmas. My sister woke me up a 5.30am. In the morning. She is seventeen, and this is the only day of the year that she can get out of bed before 10 o'clock.

I got coffee.A mound of coffee. So much coffee I get the shakes just looking at it. It smells like caffeen. It tastes like caffeen. It is caffeen. i have just added it all up, and I have about 10kgs of coffee. If I used 20g of coffee each day then I would be able to stay awake for half of this year! all must beware. It is more than possible.

Tommorow is the last day of my self inflicted holiday, and then it is back to hundreds upon seconds of endless cancer causing writing. So before I am engulfed in a sea of work and sleeplesness I shall leave you with these chilling words of warning:

If you do it too much you will go blind.

Merry Christmas!

Just covering the printing costs

does anyone ever, ever buy those meditation books off the street? no, didn't think so.
Street thing: 'Hello sir, today we are talking to people with over abundant face hair! Like to buy this...'
Flan: 'Stay away from me Hell beastie! My eyes inflate in your presence!'

Lots has happened to me dunring my absence from blogging. i have eaten a packet of Gingernuts. I have slept on our roof. I have 'aquired' a christmas tree. But most of all, I have been writing. oh so much writing. You think it ends, and then it divides through some unknown process of mytosis into seven more pages. And you know that it wont stop there.

At the moment I am back in the hometown. Foster's home for imaginary freinds is on, and I am waiting for 'Shaolin showdown' to begin. I have touched, shook, tasted and listend to all of my chritmas presents under the tree and, unusually, I don't know what any one of them is.

Woo! Monkeys online! Must. Tantalise. Featherduster. (The sane stopped a few days ago).

World Flat Wrestling

That's right! After many months of good intentions and hollow threats, the WFW has finally begun! unfortunately, even though I created all the characters, I am still wedged firmly in the middle of the WFW order. Bloody tourture rack. Gets me every time.
In other news, people reviewed my story that I submitted for workshop . It was met with mixed reviews. I am not surprised. I wrote it in three days. But all things are going well. At my current rate of progress I will be a millionare by this time next year. For now it is back to eating instant gravy on instant potatoes.

Christmas is nearly upon us! Fear his poison bite!

"......"

Satan lives inside me. Between my kidneys, next to my spine. He eats my spine cartilage. Listening to Stained. Stuff sucks.

Are you success?

"Now find 100cent!"
Why don't keyboards have a cent sing when they have a '$' sign? No-ine thinks in cents any more. Or with sense either for that matter.
Hah. Hah. Hah. Do you be feeling my brain laughter?
Today I was beaten by my Gradmother at squash. Five times. This comes off her last five win streak. In fact I have only beaten her about three times ever. She is sixty. Boy am I healthy.
Crumby, crumby muscles!
Tonight is my last night of cartoon network. Tommorow i go back to wellington, where I think the first thing I am going to do is buy a cask of wine. Drinking is fun. but before that there will be the bus trip. I hate busses. They are filled with people, and sometimes the people have babies. If they do not, the smell and are simply too close to me. They sit in the seat in frount of me and recline their seat as much as possible so that when the bus trip is over my legs are so numb that I fall over and the bums reident at the rail station steal my wallet and luggage. Then Jesus laughs at me.

Almost 7o'clock. I don't know what that means, but it better be good.

yup. looks like rain.

come back to sunny sunny waipuk, and it is raining. what happened to spring? It was hot and sunny and skin-crispy-fying a few days ago, and now it is just crap. And it's not even constant crap, either. It looks sunny and bright, even a bit o blue sky over to the left there so you take the dog for a walk and the god urinates on you.
This kind of weather would really piss me off (pun intended! oh hah hah ha!) if I had any need of the outside world. I do not.
Finished reading 'In my fathers den' last night. You know, that one by Maurice Gee. it was alright. I watched the movie. That was also alright. Apart from the fact that it was alegedly based on the book it had nothing to with it. Anyway. The books alright, but the ending sucks, the movies alright but what the fuck.
Aren't you glad you took time out of your day for that? I am.
Parentals come home today. hopefully they will then take me to the new harry potter movie.

And yes, I do think hermione is a bit of a dish.

Too lazy to focus my...seeing things

Yup. I just too lazy to unblur my vision.
I now have the house to myself! Also, to add to my general merryment, my mother gave me $20 for food for the next two days. That is usually enough money to last me a fourtnight!
So now I am filled with chips and pork flavored meat sticks. Once it sets, I will then eat the ice cream. ICE CREAM!! ICE CREAM!! couple this with a night of the brack show, and you have a comblination full of vein clogging inactivity.

Fear my pizza filled mouth words!

Small things...

...amuse my incredibly small mind. the thing is, when you think about it, the universe has more room for small things than big things, so the odds are in my favor.
Like the girl power sequel to 'He-man and the masters of the universe'.
It is called 'She-Ra'. She rides a unicorn.
I think this will keep me amuse for seconds. Countless, countless seconds.

No! My sweet sweet brain goo!

Today I received the course outline for my summer course. It does not look easy. It also does not look cheap. I have to buy a course reader, pay for all photocopying AND when my work is being workshoped they expect me to bring a packet of biscuts! Biscuts! I think it needs to be repeated once more: BISCUTS! I don't have money for biscuts! I haven't even seen a biscut for over a year. Perhaps I can make biscuts out of some kind of tomato mush. FEAR MY TOMATO-Y MUSH!
In other news, I have not yet secured a job. After my last blog I went into the sjs office just as it opened and went for a job cleaning a house. Unfortunately it had already been taken. In the three minutes it took me to peruse the notice boards, note down the ref. number am transport it to the desk, all three positions had already been filled. Luckly, I was still holding the butter knife that I had used to make my morning toast so I didn't have to find an impliment before the gutting began.
Now I am in waipukurau, running from the athorities. There was also a family funeral. It was fun to see al those relatives who I didn't know and be teased about my hairy face, but at least I got free beer. So at least i have food here. I have already eaten all the chinese, biscuts, crackers, cheese, ice cream and macaroni that was just lying around in containers marked FOR LUNCH TOMMOROW: DO NOt EAT! where anyone could get at them. I will eat until I starve!!

It makes sense when you think about it. Really.

Stuff. It sucks.

No work for me, oh no! No wants anyone to work right now, but I need money right now! Only for rent, because yesterday I went out and bought 15 cans of chopped tomatoes for the premium price of 50c a pop. i am going to be eating so much tomato over the next few weeks I would not be surprised if my blood turns red.
so here I am, at uni, at 8.45 in the morning, waiting for the student job search offices to open so as I try once more, and proably fail once more, to get a job. then I will try and scam more money from the government!
'Yeah, I lost my glasses, and I need money so's I can see.'
'Aren't you wearing glasses?'
'Glasses? No, I just drew glasses on my face, like on that OPSM commercial. Pretty realistic, no?'
The goal being to make them beleive that I am uncapable of living and then they will put me in a mental institute where, I hear, they do a very good plate of tomato mush.

Still ten minutes to stab repeatedly. Perhaps I will stand outside the sjs office until they pay me to go away.

Crotch Ball

The last two days of my life have been, without a doubt, the most exciting two days of my life.
I have been shopping, tasted canned coffee, walked around in a suit, seen crazy people ranting, been mistaken for a 30yr old, and met some Jehova Witnesses without my pants on. And been drunk. So much drunk.
But there were two things which stood out as major acheivemnts.
The first thing was being accepted into the summer creative writing course. Only 12 people get into it each year, and people think I am good enough! My heart swells with pride and my head with hot-air. Because I am great.
The other is the imvention of crotch ball.
You will need a tennis ball and two people, male. Both participants sit down and take turns bouncing the tennis ball with the hope of landing it in the others groin. You can bounce it high if you want to hurt the other person, or low for more accuracy and if anyone guards their regions the other person gets to take a free 'crotch shot' which has no bounce. The game ends when it becomes impossible for one participant to have children.
It's a fast paced game of strategy and skill that is sweeping the nation!

And you cant sue me because you dont know who I am!

The last of the summer meat.

The person rang as I was finishing my last sausage. Oh well, it is not as if I need meat. It's just a luxuary really. I have leeks and capsicon, so why do I need pork flavored miscelaneious? It isn't even reall meant anyway.

I don't need it. No more meat.

*sniff*

nobody wuvs me...

Damn and botheration! Why won't this person ring me! They are supposed to pick up the phone, dial my number and say 'yes, we want to give you $480 a week for awnsering tellyfones! No, we don't need to know your true identity, or even if you are working at all! Just come here at the end of each week and we will give you could hard cash!'

Well, perhaps not the last bit. But working the antisocial hours of 12-8am seems perfect for me, the man with no life. And working lots for lots of money means I have no time to drink, which means money gets saved into a saving thing. Saved money means I get to eat something other than porridge! Yay!

Perhaps I should get off the internet, as I did not give said person cell phone number. I don't know it. I have only had it for five years.

Good old alcetel bricks. I don't need a cell phone that can take shitty, shitty pictures or remind me how little I have to do each day. And I definately do not need a phone that is compatable with the 'crazy frog's greatest hits.

Goddamn that crazy frog.

You cannot deny my spleen!

I have thirty-six episodes of 'invader zim' the zany cartoon about a small green alien thyng and his bungled attempts to enslave humanity. It was taken off Nickolodeon for being as disturbing as 'ren and stimpy', but funnier.
You would think that obtaining such pearls of greatness would fill me will tumors of joy, but you would be wrong.
I am unhappy because the Freezer keeps eating my bread.
It is a monstrocity of a thing. You could chop up three people and preserve them inside. But it eats everything I place inside. And if was it placed is not eaten then it is trampled to pancake oblivion by what I can only guess to be the freezer goblins.
And so my bread is gone. This happens at the wost possible time, when I have no money. And I don't mean I have no money in the usual 'oh crap I spent all my money on cheap wine now I cannot drink untill thursday' kind of I have no money. No. I mean I have no income for two weeks, nothing to buy food or wine or combustibles or even enough to fund my own euthinasia. I have to wait untill I find out weather I am able to get into a summer course, in which case the government will pay for my living.
If I do not get into the course, I will be forced to either gut myself or get a job. I can't wait untill the coin-toss decides that one.

I am off to sample my last faithless worm-monkey.

Kicking sticks and tyres

Today my friend and I were eating popsicle slushies on a convienient bench and watching people with lives walk past. I remarked:
"you know, I think the youth of today deserve a good kicking."
"yes, with sticks." He replied.
"With sticks?" Ask I.
"We shall tie them to our shoes."
I think this is the best idea in the world.

Now, directly after my little speel about how I hate metaphors that attempt to explain life, I will now blog about how great my metaphors for life are. And they are. It is the best thing in the world. You will marvel at how much you resemble a vehicle with wheels upon it.
Yup, we are all some kind of mobile tyred thing.
I am a spare tyre: I am comfortable being the extra man of the group, the thing that isn't needed but always kept around. I am Inexplainably greasy, and you don't show me to your real freinds. In a pinch you will call on me to help but I will always let you down due to a slow release puncture.
Other things you could be are a unicycle (you are unblanced and difficult to steer), an articulated truck (you are bendy and have a cool horn thing), a kitted out subaru (you enjoy to company of the same sex and try to disguise it by tinting your damn stupid windows) or even a nifty-fifty (everyone thinks you look like a dick and even some old wommen with zimmerframes are quicker than you, but with the upcomming oil crisis you will be the only one who can get out of your driveway on $10 gas).
I think I shall make it into one of the super great awesome cool internet quizzes that through a seris of easy to awnser questions reveal your inner workings to you. The inner you that is a retard, of course.
Those people will be Segways on my test.

Haven't seen you genitals in years? Stop segway-ing to the kitchen for mayonase samwiches.

Mushroom and Ham omletts

Today I am going to have an omlett.
Do you ever get the feeling that you whole life is just one great big omlett? You break a few eggs, mix in some random activities that you have lying around the place, grate on a whole lot of cliched cheese and what you are left with is either a good meal or a very stupid metaphor.
I hate metaphors that try to explain life. Life is not a box of chocolates. I see a distint lack of cellophane and gooey centers. Life has a hard, brittle center filled with hunger and a need of money and it chips your teeth. Life is also not a joss stick. I do stink, but the stench wont go away no matter how many windows I open. Life is also definately not a used car. Why? Because. just because.
Life for me has been filled with countless, countles games of Worms 3D and near countless bottles of cheap, cheap wine. So perhaps, life for me is slimy and filled with toxin. Close, but not quite. Always beware those who try and pigeon hole experences. They suck.

Blood transfusions my Jehova cry. And we dont want a crying Jehova now, do we?

The Days

It's a show called 'the days'... and the name of the family is 'Day'! AHAHAHAHA! I WET MYSELF LAUGHING!

On saturday I am going to be a pirate. There will be other people there, as it will be a partying occasion. But most notably there will be a keg.
Keg. The word sends shivers of anticipation down any alcoholics spine. I have been to a keg party only once before. It lasted 6 hours. I threw up. At the end of the night it ended up being just me and three other buddies passing the keg hose back and forth in a vain attempt to finnish it before comatosing. We didn't manage it.
But now it is happening again. I have starved meself of alcohol since monday in anticipation of this unholy celebration of some mexican festival held in graveyards. It will be great.

I am the offspring of Satan and a Huntley and Palmers water cracker. Fear my mightly interlect and pasty flaking skin!

The nusance of mucas.

Doing nothing is only fun when you are doing it to avoid other things. Pushing myself around the living room floor on my back is fun when the other alternative is your 'dead writers who didn't amout to much' lecture, but not so much fun when you realise that you are supposed to be in the best shape you will ever be in your life and that alcohol rots your teeth.

There is a big difference between fun and nessicary, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the divide grows ever larger as you get older. Cleaning the flat? Not fun, but nessicary. Throwing yet more rotten eggs over the flat and into unexpecting backyards? Hours of fun in minutes! How about cleaning out that orange stuff from the fridge? Proably a good idea before the landlord comes around, but wait, makeing dirty words out of fridge magnets fills a place inside that has been empty since birth. Reading this, you proably wonder why I get out of bed in the morning. The awnser is simple: It smells.

But the truth of the matter is this: if everyone was like me, there wouldn't be an overpopulation problem, the ozone layer would still be intact and there would be less violent crime.

So vote for Flan. He bribes you with cookies.

New Age, New Demographic.

A month after my last post proudly proclaiming my lack of things to do I have been unable to post because of being swamped by things. I have had essays to leave untill the last night before botching, I have had video games to play. I have been to parties, been to town and been in bed, all as exciting as the last. I have witnessed the phemonomon (well, you spell it you bastard) of 'flying cauliflower' and pelted neighboring houses wit 6 month old rotten eggs. It has been a futctis month indeed.

But now I am 20. My teenaged years are over. Responsibility is poised to drop on me like an enraged tree monster. No more sitting on the couch drinking beer eating pizza and playing tekken repeatedly, trying to beat my time attack score. Yesterday, being 20 made me go out and apply for a job. My well founded aversion of working for money made me ring up the place of employment and proclaim that I proably wasn't indian enough to work in this dairy, sorry.

I am old. OLD. And what is wrong with reading and elderly bloggers rants on sex? Everthing really, so thats why I will not rant on that particular subject. But while I was filling out my resubscription to 'Playboy' at the breakfast table this morning I realised something.
I am no longer 18-19. No.
Now I am 20-25.
Perhaps the next five years of my life are going to be so boring that they deserve to be lumped together by one homogenious check box. Playboy thinks so anyway.

Today I will play 'Breath of Fire IV' and Twister untill my thighs burn.
Fun in your bum!

Two in a row

What am I doing? Two days in a row I have posted here. It comes from a lack of life I tells ya.

Tommorow I get money, so I am off to town with my good freind Giles to spend it. Money has no use burning my pockets, so why not spend it on booze and other nesisities? Like pasta and tomatoes. It's what I have survived on for the last week, which also means that each meal costs about 20 cents. You gotta learn to live like a damn hippy if you want to become a serious alkie.

In real life, NOTHING IS HAPPENING. The biggest event this week is my father's birthday. Good on the old man for getting a year older and everything, but it is a bit pathetic when you consider that my dairy has been counting down to his big day.

Off to sing a little song. Lalala.

Doing the life limbo

Ever thought you couldn't get any lower with out falling and getting seriously hurt? That' s what I would think if I was playing limbo sober. As it turns out, I am neiter limbo-ing nor am I sober.
No, I am in relationship limbo, the worst kind of limbo next to existance limbo and the waiting-for-some-big-company-to-attend-to-your-call limbo. At least this limbo isn't punctuated with bad quality recordings of Kenny Rogers songs.

So, to say the least, creativity is at an all time low. I just managed to pump out a couple of short stories for the Sunday Star Times short story competition, but only because I had written them about a fourtnight ago and they only needed some very minor tweaking. Honestly, I feel about as creative and inspired as an exceptionally unemotional lump of coal.

in short, I feel sick.

reeeee...scrischwishyEEEEEE!!

Oh, how I love dial up connections. You see, you may think that I have just been to lazy or to drunk to post here but in reality it has taken the better part of the last month for ANYTHING TO LOAD! God damn kiwi online straight to purgatory, where it and it's unholy services will spend the rest of eternity listening to my theatre tutor. Whats that mr.tutor? you just spent the last two hours of my life on mind-numbing drivel? Seems I must now eat your family.

In the real world, life has not been good to poor flanny. (Thats right! Prepare for the bitch moan whine! Your ears will bleed in the boredom!) But with relationship problems and the taste of rank in my mouth each morning I think I am fully justified in only going to the minimal amount of classes needed to pass my courses. On a plus, however, this leaves plenty of time for writing. Damn you Sunday Star Times, I will win your $5000 which I will then spend on keg beer and scratchy tickets. In that order.

I have new jeans. one pair black, the other blue, both the same style, cut, price and purchaced in the same shop, at the same time. So tell me, why does is the black pair unable to stay on my comfortable hips and have a fly that is bent on exposing my shriveld lump of manhood to the world? No one wants to see that. I don't want to see that.

That bastard Satan has even infutrated postie plus. If he wasn't already, I would damn him to hell.

Going to massey today to play pool and drink beer. Untill then I will sit in the sun and do sweet nothing. And yes, I will still moan about how awful my life is.

Moan bitchy whine.

brown paper packages

I am back in waipuk. I don't exactly have alot of spare time at the flat (most of it is spent gazing out the window and playing freecell) but while im back I intend to chain myself to the computer. With the chains immoveable.

In half an hour, however, I have to get the last of my Meningitusus injections. And then I will be INVINCIBLE! Thats right! I will be able to go out and lick any surface I like without fear! I will drink saliva for breakfast! Or then again, I might just stick with toast. Less gooey.

Anyone who reads this think on a regular basis/at all will be excited/commiting suicide when you hear that i want to write stuff for money. especially for the $5000 prize that the Sunday Star is giving away for short stories! I like money, so I's gonna write good big yes.

Why the hell does this damn iTunes program insist on merging the start and end of all my songs? I like my music to have clear cut endings. It's like catharsis for the ears. And it doesn't make everything sound like the auditory equivilent of my patented 'rice and gravy gloop' meal that I have been living off for the last week. If you put it on toast and close your eyes, it almost feels like meat.

Off to fester in my own filth.

Got any Retalin?

Damn fridays and my two hour 9am tutorial for bastard Classical theatre where there are the scary theatre people! People who work in theatre need shirts that say 'I AM A CRAZY BASTARD' so that the rest of us hungover people may avoid them and spend our mornings in peace.

A week has past, and I went to the doctor. Apparently I am quite healthy if you take away the 50% chance of death by heart attack. Have to go and have a blood test on monday morning, so that means no eating for 15 hours before hand. Well, I'm outta food anyway. But since this is a new doctors surgery they will proably insist on trying to find blood in my right arm... oh fuck, I forgotten which arm they can get blood out of. They will be poking around in my arm for months if they get the wrong one. And I am not a fan of needles.

Got locked out of my bedroom last night by a sleepwalking roomate. Had to spend night on couch.

There needs to be more slaughter of the innocent. Especially the bastard theatre innocent.

Procrastination

On thursday I have a 1500 word 'dramaturgical report' due in. It is worth 25% of my mark for this year. So instead of reading the play or even finding out what a dramaturgical report is, I am here complaining about my lack of motivation to do such things.
I haven't done anything for about two months. Nothing. Remember when your primary school teacher told you that lazynes is a habit? Well, it's more addictive than coke. I managed to get out of bed at 7:30 this morning, but I can quickly see the rest of the day dissolving into a non-productive blob. It will be purple (real blobs aren't afraid to wear purple) and may have small chunks of anime floating around in it.

In other news, I have no food. I am going to borrow some rice off my flatmates so as I may have rice for lunch, and then I will have rice rissoto for dinner. Tommorow I will get up early and go to the university for at 8am on a wednesday they give away free bread. I may also ask if they have any spare rice kicking around. Since I have come back to wellington I have lost 5kg. I have been the same weight for the last 3 years, so this is rather interesting.

Life is good. Even if it sucks balls.

Godless bastards.

Yesterday I watched "the Frightners". God damn, Micheal. J. Fox comes back from the dead more times than Jesus! I wonder weather he has beaten Parkinsons yet...

Many things have been happening since I have been back in welly, and many of them I have forgotten about. Fist up, I have relocated. I no loinger live inb a self contained room at the end of a flat, but in a cupboard that doubles as my drinking den. Yes the drinking has beeen more copus living with this crazy bunch of fools I call my freinds.
Also, for the last week I have been BUT UGLY SICK AND ILL GOD-DAMN. The influenza virus suck complete bitch cock. I think that Illness is really THE reason god invented swearing. So I can curse my headache to hell and back. Stupid fucken inflated head cells. They make the paoin happen.

Today I am going shopping. I only have $15 to spend, so that means I am buying a loaf of bread and two bottles of 'passion pop'.

Only Six dollars a bottle....

The taste of great

Yesterday I returned to wellington. The high speed internet access alone makes it worth it.

Today was my first day of lectures for the new trimester. It isgoingto take some timefor me to get back into the habit of getting up going to school and retaining information. I made a great start today by being hung over to hack.
But thearter students are strange. I have a class with theatre students, and they all like to hug each other and then have discussions about personal space and feelings. It kind of strikes me as the same trend as the emos have. If you are sad and easily hurt, why the fuck do you want to put your horrible poetry on the net or work in the industry with the highest rate of rejection? But for some reason the prospect of being unemployed and insulted on a daily basis draws the kind of people who complain of indigestion if you put milk instead of soy in their damn coffee.
Idiots.

Off to stick my tounge in the wall socket.

Zombie Cow Nazis!

Today I saw three very strange sights. First of all, while driving to the supermarket I saw two wommen deep in conversation, on who would not stop doing the nazi salute. Then, While gathering wood, I saw a cow council. Many cows were standing around one cow, and they all stopped mooing when it mooed and listened to it's moo melody intently. Then, in a parking place, I saw a child eating the stomach of another child. True, I couldn't see them too well and I think on reflection that the larger of the two children may have been eating skittles, not kidneys. But still, a strange, strange day.

Tomorow, I go back to Wellington. I have bought some supplies from the local el-chepo supermarket. I got a pie and a sasauge roll for $1.50! Mmmmm... the taste of cheap. Anyway, amounst my purchases (yes, a shopping fable!) I bought cramy chiken soup and promite. For some reason you can find neither of these products in our nations capitals supermarkets, and I do like professional yeast spread on my toast rather than those mites who are only doing it as a hobby or part time.

Yesterday I finished the libary books I got out. Now I will have to rely on my own imagination. *sigh*

...and I just finished reading ALL the toothpaste for dinner pictures! Time to curl into the fetal position, me thinks...

lost time...

Do you ever suddenly get the feeling that you cant remeber what day it is and you ccant remember yesterday? You try to remember what you did and who you did it with, but you cant and begin thinking that you might have actually just slept all that day or some demon possesed you and forced you to do unspeakible acts that you cannot, thankfully, remember. Then you look at the calender, take a few breaths and realise that it is actually thursday, not friday. You didn't miss out on anything.

Well, today I was blankly looking at the wall when I suddenly realized that it was friday, not saturday. I looked at the calender and this confirmed my thoughts: at some time during the week my mind had created an extra day, possibly an extra wednesday. I can remeber all that happend on wednesday, all that happend on thursday, and all that happend on wednesday: the sequel.
Not even a demon would be so fucked up as to possess someone and then give them an extra days experience of sweet fuck all. It makes me drink.

Anyway, deseased thoughts aside, today I made a house. Or at least part of a house. And then I got paid for it. $25 dollars for little over two ours work. I should go into the partial construcion of houses buisiness. I didn't even have to lift heavy things. Now I am rich. Richer than Jesus. And he could just wish for money. He could say "MONEY" and he would have some. Rich bastard.

I had a shower, but now the puppy is on my lap. So I smell like puppy, not shower. Damn.