Teh words commeth

...and now they are gone. I have spent twelve hours over the last two days writing furiously, squezing words out of my being like sweat out of pores and like corn out of orifices. It has been none to plesant. Today I have spent much time typing the damn thing up. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that it is shit. It started off alright, with good intentions and a completly realistic frame, but along the way it aquired an imaginary friend, a narcotic main character who is out of touch with reality and a fixation for the colour blue.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I know this is only the early draft stage, but I have to make the decision now as to weather I let it go completly wack or prune it back to it's realistic origins. The middle road of a balance between the two just seems like too much work to sucessfully do before wednesday. Oh well. I will sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

In other news, I watched both the fantastic four movie and ong-bak, a newish martial arts flick. Ong-bak was really good, and very very gravity defying (no wires though!) and the fantastic four movie wasn't as bad as I expected. However, I think they needed to get the shit kicked out of them more before winning.

Well, now I am going to watch the midsummer murder special. That poor old inspector. where ever he goes, someone seems to end up dead. I wish I had his job.

My mum is bathing the dog in the sink. You can't give entertainment like this away!

You smell funny

well, it is proably true. Alot of people do smell funny. You smell funny. I smell funny. Elmo smells funny. We are all just part of one big funny smelling blob. A blob of EVIL!

Well, today I helped clean up the house. I think it is the least I can do since I am eating my parents out of house and home. I have done nothing but eat since I got back from welly. Well, pretty much nothing. I have watched a lot of cartoons. But i haven't done my writing. I still have seven days to go, but I have to start tommorow. I have to. EVIL!

Garlic bread is a good thing. I like garlic bread alot. It may make me smell funny but it tastes damn good. The man who invented things in cans should have been awarded a nobel prize (yes, I know garlic bread doesn't come in cans, this is a completly different tangent). Thik of how difficult our life would be without canned food. We would have to go shopping every two days and would be unable to prepare for the zombie apocolapse. Prepare for the zombies! They come! EVIL!

Well, you get the picture. Anyway, it is past midnight so I had better not eat anything. You know what happens when you feed them after midnight.

Liquor is quicker

Last night I was the drunk. To get drunk was pretty much the only non-work thing on my list of things to do over the christmas break. And now I wonder why. I obviously haven't learnt any lesson from my drinking. It sill makes me feel like testicles, it still makes my money go away. It still makes me fall over.
The worst thing about drinking is the fact that it has far reaching repercussions. I was supposed to be doing stuff today. Now I am not.

There is a pavlova on the bench of my soul.

morning in the crib

AHHH! I found out where all the stupid comes from! satan brews it in his big metal vats, deep below the earth, sends it via courier to Microsoft who then distill it for extra potency and pump it directly into every chat site/engine/MSN/cell phone/crazy frog song ever created. And all to keep us smoking. Dispicable.

In other news, the 18hour mark of awakedness has been surpassed. Soon the good cartoons will be on and I can free myself from this entropy machine. Nothing destroys entropy quicker than Samurai Jack. I wish I had FLCL.

Funyums are not Lugnuts. I think I have some icecream left. All is good in the manger.

Oh beerknuts!

Today it be christmas. My sister woke me up a 5.30am. In the morning. She is seventeen, and this is the only day of the year that she can get out of bed before 10 o'clock.

I got coffee.A mound of coffee. So much coffee I get the shakes just looking at it. It smells like caffeen. It tastes like caffeen. It is caffeen. i have just added it all up, and I have about 10kgs of coffee. If I used 20g of coffee each day then I would be able to stay awake for half of this year! all must beware. It is more than possible.

Tommorow is the last day of my self inflicted holiday, and then it is back to hundreds upon seconds of endless cancer causing writing. So before I am engulfed in a sea of work and sleeplesness I shall leave you with these chilling words of warning:

If you do it too much you will go blind.

Merry Christmas!

Just covering the printing costs

does anyone ever, ever buy those meditation books off the street? no, didn't think so.
Street thing: 'Hello sir, today we are talking to people with over abundant face hair! Like to buy this...'
Flan: 'Stay away from me Hell beastie! My eyes inflate in your presence!'

Lots has happened to me dunring my absence from blogging. i have eaten a packet of Gingernuts. I have slept on our roof. I have 'aquired' a christmas tree. But most of all, I have been writing. oh so much writing. You think it ends, and then it divides through some unknown process of mytosis into seven more pages. And you know that it wont stop there.

At the moment I am back in the hometown. Foster's home for imaginary freinds is on, and I am waiting for 'Shaolin showdown' to begin. I have touched, shook, tasted and listend to all of my chritmas presents under the tree and, unusually, I don't know what any one of them is.

Woo! Monkeys online! Must. Tantalise. Featherduster. (The sane stopped a few days ago).

World Flat Wrestling

That's right! After many months of good intentions and hollow threats, the WFW has finally begun! unfortunately, even though I created all the characters, I am still wedged firmly in the middle of the WFW order. Bloody tourture rack. Gets me every time.
In other news, people reviewed my story that I submitted for workshop . It was met with mixed reviews. I am not surprised. I wrote it in three days. But all things are going well. At my current rate of progress I will be a millionare by this time next year. For now it is back to eating instant gravy on instant potatoes.

Christmas is nearly upon us! Fear his poison bite!

"......"

Satan lives inside me. Between my kidneys, next to my spine. He eats my spine cartilage. Listening to Stained. Stuff sucks.

Are you success?

"Now find 100cent!"
Why don't keyboards have a cent sing when they have a '$' sign? No-ine thinks in cents any more. Or with sense either for that matter.
Hah. Hah. Hah. Do you be feeling my brain laughter?
Today I was beaten by my Gradmother at squash. Five times. This comes off her last five win streak. In fact I have only beaten her about three times ever. She is sixty. Boy am I healthy.
Crumby, crumby muscles!
Tonight is my last night of cartoon network. Tommorow i go back to wellington, where I think the first thing I am going to do is buy a cask of wine. Drinking is fun. but before that there will be the bus trip. I hate busses. They are filled with people, and sometimes the people have babies. If they do not, the smell and are simply too close to me. They sit in the seat in frount of me and recline their seat as much as possible so that when the bus trip is over my legs are so numb that I fall over and the bums reident at the rail station steal my wallet and luggage. Then Jesus laughs at me.

Almost 7o'clock. I don't know what that means, but it better be good.

yup. looks like rain.

come back to sunny sunny waipuk, and it is raining. what happened to spring? It was hot and sunny and skin-crispy-fying a few days ago, and now it is just crap. And it's not even constant crap, either. It looks sunny and bright, even a bit o blue sky over to the left there so you take the dog for a walk and the god urinates on you.
This kind of weather would really piss me off (pun intended! oh hah hah ha!) if I had any need of the outside world. I do not.
Finished reading 'In my fathers den' last night. You know, that one by Maurice Gee. it was alright. I watched the movie. That was also alright. Apart from the fact that it was alegedly based on the book it had nothing to with it. Anyway. The books alright, but the ending sucks, the movies alright but what the fuck.
Aren't you glad you took time out of your day for that? I am.
Parentals come home today. hopefully they will then take me to the new harry potter movie.

And yes, I do think hermione is a bit of a dish.

Too lazy to focus my...seeing things

Yup. I just too lazy to unblur my vision.
I now have the house to myself! Also, to add to my general merryment, my mother gave me $20 for food for the next two days. That is usually enough money to last me a fourtnight!
So now I am filled with chips and pork flavored meat sticks. Once it sets, I will then eat the ice cream. ICE CREAM!! ICE CREAM!! couple this with a night of the brack show, and you have a comblination full of vein clogging inactivity.

Fear my pizza filled mouth words!

Small things...

...amuse my incredibly small mind. the thing is, when you think about it, the universe has more room for small things than big things, so the odds are in my favor.
Like the girl power sequel to 'He-man and the masters of the universe'.
It is called 'She-Ra'. She rides a unicorn.
I think this will keep me amuse for seconds. Countless, countless seconds.

No! My sweet sweet brain goo!

Today I received the course outline for my summer course. It does not look easy. It also does not look cheap. I have to buy a course reader, pay for all photocopying AND when my work is being workshoped they expect me to bring a packet of biscuts! Biscuts! I think it needs to be repeated once more: BISCUTS! I don't have money for biscuts! I haven't even seen a biscut for over a year. Perhaps I can make biscuts out of some kind of tomato mush. FEAR MY TOMATO-Y MUSH!
In other news, I have not yet secured a job. After my last blog I went into the sjs office just as it opened and went for a job cleaning a house. Unfortunately it had already been taken. In the three minutes it took me to peruse the notice boards, note down the ref. number am transport it to the desk, all three positions had already been filled. Luckly, I was still holding the butter knife that I had used to make my morning toast so I didn't have to find an impliment before the gutting began.
Now I am in waipukurau, running from the athorities. There was also a family funeral. It was fun to see al those relatives who I didn't know and be teased about my hairy face, but at least I got free beer. So at least i have food here. I have already eaten all the chinese, biscuts, crackers, cheese, ice cream and macaroni that was just lying around in containers marked FOR LUNCH TOMMOROW: DO NOt EAT! where anyone could get at them. I will eat until I starve!!

It makes sense when you think about it. Really.

Stuff. It sucks.

No work for me, oh no! No wants anyone to work right now, but I need money right now! Only for rent, because yesterday I went out and bought 15 cans of chopped tomatoes for the premium price of 50c a pop. i am going to be eating so much tomato over the next few weeks I would not be surprised if my blood turns red.
so here I am, at uni, at 8.45 in the morning, waiting for the student job search offices to open so as I try once more, and proably fail once more, to get a job. then I will try and scam more money from the government!
'Yeah, I lost my glasses, and I need money so's I can see.'
'Aren't you wearing glasses?'
'Glasses? No, I just drew glasses on my face, like on that OPSM commercial. Pretty realistic, no?'
The goal being to make them beleive that I am uncapable of living and then they will put me in a mental institute where, I hear, they do a very good plate of tomato mush.

Still ten minutes to stab repeatedly. Perhaps I will stand outside the sjs office until they pay me to go away.

Crotch Ball

The last two days of my life have been, without a doubt, the most exciting two days of my life.
I have been shopping, tasted canned coffee, walked around in a suit, seen crazy people ranting, been mistaken for a 30yr old, and met some Jehova Witnesses without my pants on. And been drunk. So much drunk.
But there were two things which stood out as major acheivemnts.
The first thing was being accepted into the summer creative writing course. Only 12 people get into it each year, and people think I am good enough! My heart swells with pride and my head with hot-air. Because I am great.
The other is the imvention of crotch ball.
You will need a tennis ball and two people, male. Both participants sit down and take turns bouncing the tennis ball with the hope of landing it in the others groin. You can bounce it high if you want to hurt the other person, or low for more accuracy and if anyone guards their regions the other person gets to take a free 'crotch shot' which has no bounce. The game ends when it becomes impossible for one participant to have children.
It's a fast paced game of strategy and skill that is sweeping the nation!

And you cant sue me because you dont know who I am!

The last of the summer meat.

The person rang as I was finishing my last sausage. Oh well, it is not as if I need meat. It's just a luxuary really. I have leeks and capsicon, so why do I need pork flavored miscelaneious? It isn't even reall meant anyway.

I don't need it. No more meat.

*sniff*

nobody wuvs me...

Damn and botheration! Why won't this person ring me! They are supposed to pick up the phone, dial my number and say 'yes, we want to give you $480 a week for awnsering tellyfones! No, we don't need to know your true identity, or even if you are working at all! Just come here at the end of each week and we will give you could hard cash!'

Well, perhaps not the last bit. But working the antisocial hours of 12-8am seems perfect for me, the man with no life. And working lots for lots of money means I have no time to drink, which means money gets saved into a saving thing. Saved money means I get to eat something other than porridge! Yay!

Perhaps I should get off the internet, as I did not give said person cell phone number. I don't know it. I have only had it for five years.

Good old alcetel bricks. I don't need a cell phone that can take shitty, shitty pictures or remind me how little I have to do each day. And I definately do not need a phone that is compatable with the 'crazy frog's greatest hits.

Goddamn that crazy frog.

You cannot deny my spleen!

I have thirty-six episodes of 'invader zim' the zany cartoon about a small green alien thyng and his bungled attempts to enslave humanity. It was taken off Nickolodeon for being as disturbing as 'ren and stimpy', but funnier.
You would think that obtaining such pearls of greatness would fill me will tumors of joy, but you would be wrong.
I am unhappy because the Freezer keeps eating my bread.
It is a monstrocity of a thing. You could chop up three people and preserve them inside. But it eats everything I place inside. And if was it placed is not eaten then it is trampled to pancake oblivion by what I can only guess to be the freezer goblins.
And so my bread is gone. This happens at the wost possible time, when I have no money. And I don't mean I have no money in the usual 'oh crap I spent all my money on cheap wine now I cannot drink untill thursday' kind of I have no money. No. I mean I have no income for two weeks, nothing to buy food or wine or combustibles or even enough to fund my own euthinasia. I have to wait untill I find out weather I am able to get into a summer course, in which case the government will pay for my living.
If I do not get into the course, I will be forced to either gut myself or get a job. I can't wait untill the coin-toss decides that one.

I am off to sample my last faithless worm-monkey.

Kicking sticks and tyres

Today my friend and I were eating popsicle slushies on a convienient bench and watching people with lives walk past. I remarked:
"you know, I think the youth of today deserve a good kicking."
"yes, with sticks." He replied.
"With sticks?" Ask I.
"We shall tie them to our shoes."
I think this is the best idea in the world.

Now, directly after my little speel about how I hate metaphors that attempt to explain life, I will now blog about how great my metaphors for life are. And they are. It is the best thing in the world. You will marvel at how much you resemble a vehicle with wheels upon it.
Yup, we are all some kind of mobile tyred thing.
I am a spare tyre: I am comfortable being the extra man of the group, the thing that isn't needed but always kept around. I am Inexplainably greasy, and you don't show me to your real freinds. In a pinch you will call on me to help but I will always let you down due to a slow release puncture.
Other things you could be are a unicycle (you are unblanced and difficult to steer), an articulated truck (you are bendy and have a cool horn thing), a kitted out subaru (you enjoy to company of the same sex and try to disguise it by tinting your damn stupid windows) or even a nifty-fifty (everyone thinks you look like a dick and even some old wommen with zimmerframes are quicker than you, but with the upcomming oil crisis you will be the only one who can get out of your driveway on $10 gas).
I think I shall make it into one of the super great awesome cool internet quizzes that through a seris of easy to awnser questions reveal your inner workings to you. The inner you that is a retard, of course.
Those people will be Segways on my test.

Haven't seen you genitals in years? Stop segway-ing to the kitchen for mayonase samwiches.

Mushroom and Ham omletts

Today I am going to have an omlett.
Do you ever get the feeling that you whole life is just one great big omlett? You break a few eggs, mix in some random activities that you have lying around the place, grate on a whole lot of cliched cheese and what you are left with is either a good meal or a very stupid metaphor.
I hate metaphors that try to explain life. Life is not a box of chocolates. I see a distint lack of cellophane and gooey centers. Life has a hard, brittle center filled with hunger and a need of money and it chips your teeth. Life is also not a joss stick. I do stink, but the stench wont go away no matter how many windows I open. Life is also definately not a used car. Why? Because. just because.
Life for me has been filled with countless, countles games of Worms 3D and near countless bottles of cheap, cheap wine. So perhaps, life for me is slimy and filled with toxin. Close, but not quite. Always beware those who try and pigeon hole experences. They suck.

Blood transfusions my Jehova cry. And we dont want a crying Jehova now, do we?